i am reading a book by a woman who literally thinks exactly like I do. it is crazy. it is entitled, "the happiness project", and it details her account of trying to improve her life in small ways in order to make her appreciate and amplify the happiness of her already wonderful life. i'm finding some guidance and direction in her very type-A approach to finding happiness. lists, goals, dates, checklists...they all resonate with me. so friend, i am embarking on my very own happiness project. each week i am going to set no more than 3 goals, and push myself to follow through on them. and actually do it. im hoping that in my quest to become better, i'll be happier, and that in turn will make the people around me happier. stay posted for pictures of my resolutions charts (where i will be marking my progress daily).
margaret is more adorable than ever. her favorites: lying on her back and playing with my bracelets (that are still on my arm), climbing into the bookshelf, being under things (especially my bed and the couch), running and sliding around the apartment, and playing with the detachable string from my bathing suit. oh, and she usually waits right outside the bathroom whenever i take a shower. melt my heart. who would have ever thought that i would feel this way about an animal? weird.
Saturday, June 4
Thursday, June 2
one last picture...
margaret doesnt like any of the toys i bought her (of course), but she does love to play with my bracelet from the hangout music fest. she lies on her back and paws at it...here is an action shot of the spaz.
June 2nd.
This is a list of things that I did today:
organized my closets and bins of clothes
hung curtains
screwed things to the wall (with an electric drill, no less)
received my lovely couch
painted my bedroom
got the last of my things from Tulip
trained margaret to never play with my curtains AGAIN
drenched my mattress in ammonia to try and get rid of the cat urine/feces smell
visited with a friend
went to walmart (yet again)
made a delicious dinner (thank you Whole Foods for your delicious rosemary sourdough bread)
researched what i want to be when i grow up
watched the classic "roman holiday" (honestly...not a fan. i know, i know. blasphemy)
about 500 loads of laundry
tried to relax
contemplated moving back home
watch margaret climb on top of the books inside of my bookshelf
this morning, i awoke to cat feces smeared (and stuck to) my calf. in my blind rage, i rolled onto my back where I was greeted by the cool sensation of cat urine soaking into my pjs. needless to say, i called my mom at 6:30 am claiming "emergency". today has been a day of a lot of work and a lot of rest. i'm obsessed with my couch (i won't even sit directly on it. i was cringing inside when my roommate came to visit and she sat crosslegged on it. gasp.) and im obsessed with little margaret. maggie loves to lay on her back and lay next to me, but never touching. i wonder if margaret is secretly a male, because i'm pretty sure anything male likes to keep its distance from me.
in serious news, i found two HUMONGOUS cockroaches underneath my bed. dead, luckily, but margaret still looooved to play with them. i was dry heaving as i batted her away from them. but in really serious news, i do not know what to do with myself. im trying to be this happy, upbeat, ambitious, loving, etc. etc. person, but all i feel is this haunting loneliness. loneliness and the nagging feeling that I am not doing my part in this earth life. it is hard for me to believe that Heavenly Father is happy with what I've accomplished, because i'm not even sure what that is. i feel like my life is absolutely centered around myself. I have a beautiful (well, adorable is probably a more accurate term) apartment that is furnished, i have an amazon credit card to buy things with (haha), i have family members that care about me, i have wonderful friends who actually see me as an important part of their lives, and yet...something is missing. i feel like a.) i'm not deserving of the good things in life and b.) there is something that i am supposed to be doing or working towards and i don't know what it is. frustration, frustration. i want to be something that i am inherently not, i suppose. tonight, i had a phone conversation with someone who told me, "you don't need to go to harvard or stanford [these schools are used in both the literal and metaphorical sense; harvard and stanford are just stand ins for "doing big things"] to help people" and fundamentally, i agree with that statement. but why is it that i'm not one of the people who does these things? i think people who dream big make the big things happen. im not even sure what im dreaming for anymore.
yes, yes i know what you are thinking. lost again, alexandra? and to that i say, as always. i like to think that i dont sit around and wait for life to happen to me, i make things happen. i apply to things constantly, i email people with questions, i do things for my friends, i try to be the best sister/daughter/cousin/niece i can, and still this gnawing on my insides. i can never really articulate this to people, even those im close to. i dont understand this. all i want to is to help other people and to be the kind of person that i would want to marry.
that is a whole other story...the person i want to marry is literally amazing. and although he is completely hypothetical at this point, he already beats me in the coolness game. how will i ever compare? and yes, i do realize that this kind of discussion can be tiresome and unnecessary, but it is what i think about, what worries me. ugh. for one more night, ill be alone pondering the meaning of it all. at least ill be doing it on my new couch (bed still soaking in ammonia, thanks mags) with my little critter next to me and whole package of walmart brand candy chip cookies.
organized my closets and bins of clothes
hung curtains
screwed things to the wall (with an electric drill, no less)
received my lovely couch
painted my bedroom
got the last of my things from Tulip
trained margaret to never play with my curtains AGAIN
drenched my mattress in ammonia to try and get rid of the cat urine/feces smell
visited with a friend
went to walmart (yet again)
made a delicious dinner (thank you Whole Foods for your delicious rosemary sourdough bread)
researched what i want to be when i grow up
watched the classic "roman holiday" (honestly...not a fan. i know, i know. blasphemy)
about 500 loads of laundry
tried to relax
contemplated moving back home
watch margaret climb on top of the books inside of my bookshelf
this morning, i awoke to cat feces smeared (and stuck to) my calf. in my blind rage, i rolled onto my back where I was greeted by the cool sensation of cat urine soaking into my pjs. needless to say, i called my mom at 6:30 am claiming "emergency". today has been a day of a lot of work and a lot of rest. i'm obsessed with my couch (i won't even sit directly on it. i was cringing inside when my roommate came to visit and she sat crosslegged on it. gasp.) and im obsessed with little margaret. maggie loves to lay on her back and lay next to me, but never touching. i wonder if margaret is secretly a male, because i'm pretty sure anything male likes to keep its distance from me.
in serious news, i found two HUMONGOUS cockroaches underneath my bed. dead, luckily, but margaret still looooved to play with them. i was dry heaving as i batted her away from them. but in really serious news, i do not know what to do with myself. im trying to be this happy, upbeat, ambitious, loving, etc. etc. person, but all i feel is this haunting loneliness. loneliness and the nagging feeling that I am not doing my part in this earth life. it is hard for me to believe that Heavenly Father is happy with what I've accomplished, because i'm not even sure what that is. i feel like my life is absolutely centered around myself. I have a beautiful (well, adorable is probably a more accurate term) apartment that is furnished, i have an amazon credit card to buy things with (haha), i have family members that care about me, i have wonderful friends who actually see me as an important part of their lives, and yet...something is missing. i feel like a.) i'm not deserving of the good things in life and b.) there is something that i am supposed to be doing or working towards and i don't know what it is. frustration, frustration. i want to be something that i am inherently not, i suppose. tonight, i had a phone conversation with someone who told me, "you don't need to go to harvard or stanford [these schools are used in both the literal and metaphorical sense; harvard and stanford are just stand ins for "doing big things"] to help people" and fundamentally, i agree with that statement. but why is it that i'm not one of the people who does these things? i think people who dream big make the big things happen. im not even sure what im dreaming for anymore.
yes, yes i know what you are thinking. lost again, alexandra? and to that i say, as always. i like to think that i dont sit around and wait for life to happen to me, i make things happen. i apply to things constantly, i email people with questions, i do things for my friends, i try to be the best sister/daughter/cousin/niece i can, and still this gnawing on my insides. i can never really articulate this to people, even those im close to. i dont understand this. all i want to is to help other people and to be the kind of person that i would want to marry.
that is a whole other story...the person i want to marry is literally amazing. and although he is completely hypothetical at this point, he already beats me in the coolness game. how will i ever compare? and yes, i do realize that this kind of discussion can be tiresome and unnecessary, but it is what i think about, what worries me. ugh. for one more night, ill be alone pondering the meaning of it all. at least ill be doing it on my new couch (bed still soaking in ammonia, thanks mags) with my little critter next to me and whole package of walmart brand candy chip cookies.
Wednesday, June 1
Miss Margaret and other thoughts...
Here it is. Official blog post for June the 1st. I've felt incredibly up in the air the past couple of weeks. I want my life to have meaning, and I want to share it with people that care about me. Actually, I think that's where much of life's meaning is found- through meaningful relationships with others. Well, unfortunately for me, I now live ALONE, I work at a store with about 40 other people (so it is hard to get to know anyone), my roommates are out of town (currently: in Gulf Shores. in july: home/abroad), and I am unattached romantically (and I promise, I'm not trying to advertise the fact, I'm simply putting it out into the universe so everyone knows I'm now detached and that I'm fine with it). wow...I guess now that I'm more solitary I think its okay to ramble...the point that I was trying to make a couple sentences ago was that it is even harder for me to connect to people because of my life. So, I thought to myself during my 7 hour shift at GAP, what is the meaning of it all? What should I be doing to ensure that I can make these meaningful connections with other people? since I can't control other people, I again thought, "hey, why don't I spend the month of June becoming that much more awesome so these connections will happen better and I will be a much more awesome and happier human being?" this month I am going to focus on myself (and serving others, obviously). Hopefully this journey leads me to better understand myself and the world around me. I just want to be happy, and I think that my new goals (I will refrain from posting them...just in case I don't quite meet them all). This little kitten might help me be a little happier too...wish me luck!
I'm back!
Yes, yes loyal blog followers (all 2 of you), I'm back and better than ever! I've decided that June is going to be my month, and by that I mean I'm revamping my life, including the ol' blog. I am going to post every day for a month, chronicling the exciting stuff and the not-so-exciting stuff about starting a new life from scratch. For those of you that don't know, I have my first one-bedroom apartment, a brand new job (complete with my own classroom! miracle!), no romantic attachments, and a desire to finally start to figure myself out a little bit. Oh, and I may have gotten a kitten. Her name is Margaret Thatcher, but around here we just call her Margaret. Keep your eyes peeled for pictures and posts this month! Here's to hoping you will see a new me by the end of June...
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