the happiness project.

i am reading a book by a woman who literally thinks exactly like I do. it is crazy. it is entitled, "the happiness project", and it details her account of trying to improve her life in small ways in order to make her appreciate and amplify the happiness of her already wonderful life. i'm finding some guidance and direction in her very type-A approach to finding happiness. lists, goals, dates, checklists...they all resonate with me. so friend, i am embarking on my very own happiness project. each week i am going to set no more than 3 goals, and push myself to follow through on them. and actually do it. im hoping that in my quest to become better, i'll be happier, and that in turn will make the people around me happier. stay posted for pictures of my resolutions charts (where i will be marking my progress daily).

margaret is more adorable than ever. her favorites: lying on her back and playing with my bracelets (that are still on my arm), climbing into the bookshelf, being under things (especially my bed and the couch), running and sliding around the apartment, and playing with the detachable string from my bathing suit. oh, and she usually waits right outside the bathroom whenever i take a shower. melt my heart. who would have ever thought that i would feel this way about an animal? weird.

one last picture...

margaret doesnt like any of the toys i bought her (of course), but she does love to play with my bracelet from the hangout music fest. she lies on her back and paws at it...here is an action shot of the spaz.

June 2nd.

This is a list of things that I did today:
organized my closets and bins of clothes
hung curtains
screwed things to the wall (with an electric drill, no less)
received my lovely couch
painted my bedroom
got the last of my things from Tulip
trained margaret to never play with my curtains AGAIN
drenched my mattress in ammonia to try and get rid of the cat urine/feces smell
visited with a friend
went to walmart (yet again)
made a delicious dinner (thank you Whole Foods for your delicious rosemary sourdough bread)
researched what i want to be when i grow up
watched the classic "roman holiday" (honestly...not a fan. i know, i know. blasphemy)
about 500 loads of laundry
tried to relax
contemplated moving back home
watch margaret climb on top of the books inside of my bookshelf

this morning, i awoke to cat feces smeared (and stuck to) my calf. in my blind rage, i rolled onto my back where I was greeted by the cool sensation of cat urine soaking into my pjs. needless to say, i called my mom at 6:30 am claiming "emergency". today has been a day of a lot of work and a lot of rest. i'm obsessed with my couch (i won't even sit directly on it. i was cringing inside when my roommate came to visit and she sat crosslegged on it. gasp.) and im obsessed with little margaret. maggie loves to lay on her back and lay next to me, but never touching. i wonder if margaret is secretly a male, because i'm pretty sure anything male likes to keep its distance from me.
in serious news, i found two HUMONGOUS cockroaches underneath my bed. dead, luckily, but margaret still looooved to play with them. i was dry heaving as i batted her away from them. but in really serious news, i do not know what to do with myself. im trying to be this happy, upbeat, ambitious, loving, etc. etc. person, but all i feel is this haunting loneliness. loneliness and the nagging feeling that I am not doing my part in this earth life. it is hard for me to believe that Heavenly Father is happy with what I've accomplished, because i'm not even sure what that is. i feel like my life is absolutely centered around myself. I have a beautiful (well, adorable is probably a more accurate term) apartment that is furnished, i have an amazon credit card to buy things with (haha), i have family members that care about me, i have wonderful friends who actually see me as an important part of their lives, and yet...something is missing. i feel like a.) i'm not deserving of the good things in life and b.) there is something that i am supposed to be doing or working towards and i don't know what it is. frustration, frustration. i want to be something that i am inherently not, i suppose. tonight, i had a phone conversation with someone who told me, "you don't need to go to harvard or stanford [these schools are used in both the literal and metaphorical sense; harvard and stanford are just stand ins for "doing big things"] to help people" and fundamentally, i agree with that statement. but why is it that i'm not one of the people who does these things? i think people who dream big make the big things happen. im not even sure what im dreaming for anymore.
yes, yes i know what you are thinking. lost again, alexandra? and to that i say, as always. i like to think that i dont sit around and wait for life to happen to me, i make things happen. i apply to things constantly, i email people with questions, i do things for my friends, i try to be the best sister/daughter/cousin/niece i can, and still this gnawing on my insides. i can never really articulate this to people, even those im close to. i dont understand this. all i want to is to help other people and to be the kind of person that i would want to marry.
that is a whole other story...the person i want to marry is literally amazing. and although he is completely hypothetical at this point, he already beats me in the coolness game. how will i ever compare? and yes, i do realize that this kind of discussion can be tiresome and unnecessary, but it is what i think about, what worries me. ugh. for one more night, ill be alone pondering the meaning of it all. at least ill be doing it on my new couch (bed still soaking in ammonia, thanks mags) with my little critter next to me and whole package of walmart brand candy chip cookies.

she's here. and she's wonderful.

Miss Margaret

Miss Margaret and other thoughts...

Here it is. Official blog post for June the 1st. I've felt incredibly up in the air the past couple of weeks. I want my life to have meaning, and I want to share it with people that care about me. Actually, I think that's where much of life's meaning is found- through meaningful relationships with others. Well, unfortunately for me, I now live ALONE, I work at a store with about 40 other people (so it is hard to get to know anyone), my roommates are out of town (currently: in Gulf Shores. in july: home/abroad), and I am unattached romantically (and I promise, I'm not trying to advertise the fact, I'm simply putting it out into the universe so everyone knows I'm now detached and that I'm fine with it). wow...I guess now that I'm more solitary I think its okay to ramble...the point that I was trying to make a couple sentences ago was that it is even harder for me to connect to people because of my life. So, I thought to myself during my 7 hour shift at GAP, what is the meaning of it all? What should I be doing to ensure that I can make these meaningful connections with other people? since I can't control other people, I again thought, "hey, why don't I spend the month of June becoming that much more awesome so these connections will happen better and I will be a much more awesome and happier human being?" this month I am going to focus on myself (and serving others, obviously). Hopefully this journey leads me to better understand myself and the world around me. I just want to be happy, and I think that my new goals (I will refrain from posting them...just in case I don't quite meet them all). This little kitten might help me be a little happier too...wish me luck!

I'm back!

Yes, yes loyal blog followers (all 2 of you), I'm back and better than ever! I've decided that June is going to be my month, and by that I mean I'm revamping my life, including the ol' blog. I am going to post every day for a month, chronicling the exciting stuff and the not-so-exciting stuff about starting a new life from scratch. For those of you that don't know, I have my first one-bedroom apartment, a brand new job (complete with my own classroom! miracle!), no romantic attachments, and a desire to finally start to figure myself out a little bit. Oh, and I may have gotten a kitten. Her name is Margaret Thatcher, but around here we just call her Margaret. Keep your eyes peeled for pictures and posts this month! Here's to hoping you will see a new me by the end of June...

halloween eve.

i am writing from the comfort of my newly decorate and rearranged room (thanks mom). it is like a dream in here. well, a dream and a freezer. the temperature in our house has fluctuated from a balmy 90 to a freezing 60 in the span of 3 days. one of the joys of louisiana. the funny thing is, when i got dressed this morning (hurriedly and in the bathroom after my incredibly steamy shower) I dressed for the temperature of the house (i.e. plaid, wool duster, and boots) and not the temperature it was outside (maybe, maybe a light jacket and capri kind of weather). and so it goes down here in the south.
here's whats been going on in my life these days. i am teaching around 80 wonderful children. they usually don't pay attention to a word i say, they write hate messages about me on the bathroom wall (in sharpie!!) don't take anything i say seriously, undermine my credibility with my colleagues, and inspire folklore among substitutes. ha. my students have such personalities. they really are the biggest joys and at the same time the biggest pains. we are getting there. sometimes my class actually feels like a classroom, with learning and student investment. those days are few and far between, if i'm honest. but, they have happened. case in point- friday we took the edusoft unit tests. on thursday we had discussed what we got on our last test (not so high of a percentage) and i made some bold promises if we got our class averages up. they participated in the discussion actively, and told me what they were going to differently this time around and why they wanted to. it made me happy. but here is the REAL good part. 3rd block came into the room (quietly, mind you) took out their pencils, and got right to work. and one of my students who is quite the pill would get off task a little bit, i'd give her my little teacher look and motion for her to look back at her paper, and she would whisper under her breath "ice cream, ice cream, think about the ice cream" (and this is because i promised the kiddos ice cream sundaes if we got a certain percentage). it made me smile. also made me smile- my "trick or treat" testing idea. i had my lovely students decorate white paper bags and every 5 minutes they were focusing during the test, they got an obscene amount of candy. by the time 5th block rolled around, word of the candy had spread. however, remind me NEVER to give my students candy at the end of the day. they were BONKERS. and they even said "can you bring the fun ms. sullivan back?" ha. absolutely not is my response to that.
this week we start our poetry units. havent planned a darn thing. its like i sit down at my computer and i get sucked into this time warp where im working, however, nothing gets done. any teachers who can commiserate with me? and/or tell me how to solve this massive problem? teaching is exhausting. i dont have the strength to plan my life and to do normal things like go to the gym and do service and do all of the church stuff that i need to. this job has taken a lot from me. and im slowly trying to take it all back. ahhh dashboard just came on my pandora station. it goes down smooth every time. takes me right back to freshman year of college. and then sophomore year. and then, showers junior year at old academy. i realized that my memory is incredibly tied to music. i find myself saying "this song takes me right back to..." for instance, today at CPK "1,2,3,4" by Feist was on the radio. and it took me right back to halloween of sophomore year where i went on a blind date to a haunted house. and the guy was absolutely not interested. awkward.
i have another new calling. not only am i a relief society teacher (which i love, love, love) but i was recently called as the sunday school secretary. i have no idea what that even means. and i as im writing this i just remembered that i was supposed to go to a training meeting today. CRAP. there i go, not fulfililng my calling already.
i decided that 75% of my problems here in louisiana stem from homesickness. i miss my family too much. its the worse when i wake up in the mornings and on my drive to school. its a lonely, lonely and dark time. and its all compounded by failing at my job consistently. and being absolutely STUCK here. cant fly when i want too because its too freaking expensive and cant drive because its 30 hours. very unsettling. i miss my family. said it, meant it. i simply want to be a part of their lives. i want to help my cousins- people that actually NEED me. to be known personally is such a blessing as well, you take it for granted when you are around people you've known for years. everyone out here i've know for 5 months at the longest. and that is simply not enough time. when my mom was here, it was so nice to just be able to sit in comfortable silence and just know that she got me. ugh. i sound so angsty and teenagery. im getting better, but this experience has made me appreciate the fam that much more. and cue the biological clock to start ticking. there is absolutely zero chance of me finding anyone to date/marry out here. and let's be honest, im going to be a great wife and mom. i see my coworkers with their kids or hear them talk about their kids and families and it makes my heart melt for that. it took me moving thousands of miles to realize that id be happy in a domestic suburban situation (slightly modified to be socially responsible of course). so, if you know of any single, straight, somewhat good looking, intelligent, funny males between the ages of 23-32, send 'em my way. i was thinking to myself "hmm..maybe i should have never left utah" and then i thought to myself directly after that, "oh, ha, that's right- i had absolutely no good dating experiences in provo." and then right after that, "ha ha ha ha...summer sales. belmont...dance parties. scenester indie kids who i was never cool enough to be. yeah...at least now i can blame there being no options for my date-free life." it seems like a fair trade off.
so, like i said, im slowly reclaiming my life. im performing all of my church duties (barring the meeting i missed today- sorry church peeps), im reading not one but TWO books for pleasure (the biography of alexander hamilton and the birth of venus), going to the gym, budgeting, rediscovering my love of 80s music, and obsessing over very little things like dyeing my hair blonde again. i may be mildly girl crushing on carey mulligan (of An Eductation fame; see October vogue cover) and her growing out short haircut. im bringing back the blonde.
im trying my hardest to be happy. this is a tough situation. and i thought that i would handle it a lot better, but this is how it is panning out, and thats okay. im not going to be saving the world this year, but im learning a lot about myself and the way the world works. and i realize what is important in life with a clarity that i never thought i would have until i was much older. fact remains- im a real adult now, although my behavior would probably indicate otherwise. but cut me some slack- im new to this whole adult thing.
if my life could be summed up in one word right now it would be TRYING. trying to be better, trying to help people, trying to make this feel like my real life. its a tough job, but i guess i have to do it. (and lets be honest, new order has some AMAZING 80s jams that make everything better. im a pretty happy camper for blogging at 8:52 pm on a Saturday night when i should be dressed up and hosting a halloween party).
trick or treat:)

resident baker.

"man ms. sullivan, i wish my momma could bake like you." yep. i was told this about 17 hundred times today. thank you, nestle tollhouse cookie dough bucket. i baked my students cookies. i broke. and the results were stellar (my 4th block likes to mimic my usage of the word stellar. boogers.) my 3rd block is full of superstars. we had a class discussion about what went well this week and the phrase, "we actually learned because we were quiet" literally came out of the mouth of my little sassafras. they UNDERSTOOD that i could teach if they got their act together. what a concept. but it was beautiful day. it made me so happy. my 3rd block has become this organism that is positive, the students love the class, are passing their quizzes, and tell me how much they love me. i had my first day of job satisfaction. and it was wonderful.

so many good adjectives describe today. i still had to break my 4th block (im training them. literally. they sat on the floor in the hallway today to use the bathroom. yep. the floor. because they can't handle standing. i took a perverse pleasure in it today. "ms. sullivan, this floor be nasty! we too old for this" my response- a smarmy look and a "really? lets think about your behavior yesterday...")

i had a meeting regarding my 8th graders with someone from the district. and we both decided that the 8th grade curriculum was a little out of our reach. so im creating a new curriculum that is going to prepare my babies for passing the LEAP test and setting them up for actual success in their futures. i have a 16 year old 8th grader who I just adore because today he said, "ms. sullivan, i do the most work in your class" and i had someone earlier in the day joke about how often this student would sleep in all his other classes. job satisfaction encapsulated.

im worn out. and currently baking a white cake with white frosting for my dear friend goolia's faux birthday shindig tonight. my frosting is delicious, but i do have a request in for an oven that actually bakes things instead of scorching them. that and a sewing machine would pretty much complete my life at this point.

and i just realized i can make my hair look like justin beibers. sick.

tired, exhausted, and very full.

i just ate a blooming onion from Outback to-go. yep, it is now official that I am the most disgusting grease receptacle on the planet. today was a better day than yesterday, but still just fine. fine is probably the perfect way to describe my classroom and the way things are going. yesterday, all hell broke loose in 4th block. literally. i ended up just teaching to the students that were paying attention. and so it is.

my life is still settling. my room is constantly a disaster area, my papers are all over the place, and organization...well, thats a thing of the past. but small victories- i no longer raise my voice at all in the classroom. perhaps that is to my detriment, but well, if i can teach a kid that yelling and anger doesnt get you anywhere, then thats a complete win for me. i was talking with my roommate today about how our students are going to be adults one day. and if they can talk to us with such blatant disrespect, then they will be adults that will talk with blatant disrespect. the job of "teacher" is so absolutely vital. i mean, i see these kids more than their parents do in some cases! when all is said and done, i just wish i could love these kids into doing what i need them to do. i mean, is 90 minutes of quiet too much to ask? is keeping your head off your desk too much? is writing a complete sentence too much? im just...torn. and i am torn in oh so many directions.

ive taken too many breaks already today. i got my best friend's brand new beautiful miracle baby a present today. buying presents makes me feel like a worthwhile person. it has to be something that validates me, and i guess this is the way ive chosen. i wish i felt closer to life's little miracles (or huge miracles, rather). Heavenly Father truly blesses His children. we simply need to stop, take a deep breath, and realize it. as an instructor of highly malleable teenagers, ive become so jaded at the world. i want to press the stop button, and reprogram the way our society is devolving because thats what it is doing. devolving. our kids are suffering for it.

i have some funny (and not so funny) stories, but insitute calls. be grateful for those blessings in your lives that you recognize, and work hard to recognize the ones you dont already see. im trying...

it's finally time.

i realize how incredibly long it has been since i've shared anything with the cyber world about my status as a first year teacher. well, your wait is finally over. i am slowly and surely starting to come to an amazing place in my life. surely, it has been absolutely hellacious, but there is finally some light at the end of that tunnel. i wake up between 4:45-5:00 am every morning, try to force food down my throat, and am at school by about 5:45/6ish, ready for a new day of working. then, i'm "on duty" until the end of homeroom/1st block. this just means i could be called upon to cover for a missing teacher, but usually it just means i get a half an hour more of work time. then, until my 3rd block, i have my "planning period". this could only be described as me scrambling furiously to get everything ready for the day and steeling myself for the next 5 hours of teaching. its exhausting. and even just thinking about it still kind of gives me that nervous pit in my stomach. but at least now my stomach isn't aching with dread, more or less just the nervous jitters. my daily routine aside, i've really been seeing such a change in my life in the last week or so. no more tears (well...less tears. and usually these are tears now of me just wanting something so badly for my students), finally actually teaching, and a lot more joy in the classroom. i LOVE my students. LOVE them. yes, they get on my nerves, especially in the moment when they are absolutely not paying attention and then talking to their neighbor, or getting out of their seat, or obnoxiously tapping their pencil against their hard plastic desks (i have one very sweet student who just can NOT hold still and his tapping/noisemaking is at epic levels. note to self: see if i can give him something else to tap that makes no noise).there is not a student that i do not like. and i want so badly for them to know that i do care about them so so so much. i'm just ADD in the classroom and can't even focus on anything for more than 5 seconds, especially if I'm trying to teach. its terrible. and, i cant hear. which just adds to the chaos when i dont hear someone say something inappropriate to someone else, and all i hear is the reaction. its a bit troubling.
i know this post has been disjointed, its my first attempts at writing anything personal in about a month. i havent written in my journal or posted simply because its just been too...much. hard to explain. so forgive this post and chalk it up to the first weeks of school. i do want to paint you a picture of what one of my classes looked like this friday so you can understand my hopefulness...
my 3rd block was out of control. i literally could not talk because of all the side chatter. id had the entire administration in my room, i had kids sent to TOR (time out room) and i'd moved seats around, all to no avail. i DREADED going to this class every day. and then, i refocused (got some kids out of my room who were just too low to be in a normal english class) and BOOM one week of consistency, and i got a class this friday that silent reads beautifully, jokes around with me, and LISTENS. they were so engaged in the lesson and in our reading, it was a beautiful sight. and the girl who was giving me continual attitude and whose parents wanted her out of my class, well, we are finally on somewhat good terms. it can happen! im living proof that you can be an abysmal teacher and still have success. i have to plan an entire unit for my 8th graders right now...and of course i still have to plan lessons for my 7th and 8th graders, all before monday. i need 50 hours in the day.
in non school news, i went on a SWAMP tour yesterday! i saw an alligator in its natural habitiat!! and, i vowed to myself i would NEVER swim in louisiana water (unless it was a very well maintained swimming pool). the water is literally TEEMING with wildlife. i cant believe people actually go into it! the water is dark and it looks like bad black coffee. it was fun and relaxing to be in nature. after our leisurely swamp tour at McGee's landing, we went to Breaux bridge, LA for some ice cream and to sneak a peek at a Bayou (yeah, just very dirty water. looked like chocolate milk). it was an amazing louisiana kind of day. i got to hear unbelievable accents, see the louisiana that is portrayed in movies, and eat some amazing birthday cake ice cream with some pretty great people. well, work is calling...and i must answer. so basically- im surviving much better now. thanks for worrying.

putting out the positive vibes.

on second thought, i probably shouldn't write this post until I am in a better frame of mind. nonetheless, i will persevere and simply state: teaching is hard. and let's be honest, i have an amazing job. (minus the cart. which, has in fact, become somewhat of a curiosity among the staff because of my rules, consequences, and big goal posters written on it. i relish when someone stares at it daily). the administration is fantastic and has everything together. I have veteran teachers who let me take their handouts and copy them. and pester them with questions continually. i have a supportive second year corp member who shares an office with me. i have students that ask me if i'm a vegetarian because I dress "all sunshiny". i have students who ask me, with all seriousness, "ms. sullivan, do you ever take a smile off your face?" and, i have access to a box of paper and a copier that works (for the most part). what should be hard, right?

i am consistently faced with my own failure and my responsibility to these kids. I can't believe that incompetent, unknowledgable me is in charge of teaching these amazing (yet not necessarily on academic track) students to read and write so they can get places in life. Me. it is on MY shoulders. yeah, sure i can read. and i love it. but does that mean i can teach it? does that mean that my lessons every day reflect my love and passion for reading/writing? the answer is a resounding No. in between my days of struggling to keep students on task and quelling no-bathroom privilege mutinies, i am silently praying every day that it will go better tomorrow. my prayers, at this point, are not enough. honestly, i havent been relying on Heavenly Father like i most certainly need to. i feel as though i dont have the time. i dont have the brain power. i am slowly turning to mississippi delta institute brain mush alexandra. my creativity, my passion, my excitement are drained out of my body. in my head i just keep saying the words- friday, friday, friday over and over, like my own personal mantra. and i sit here ashamed. ashamed of myself that i am so excited for a day that doesnt end with me having to scrounge around the bottom of my mind barrel for something to occupy the minds of my 7th graders. im not sure this teaching thing is for me. the tears are starting to slowly come right now. its because i want to just love my kids. i want to talk to them sweetly and i want to smile at them and i want them to feel good about themselves for simply being alive and a kid, and a middle school kid at that. i want to stand at the front of my room, applaud them, and say "i know how hard middle school is!! i was awkward and struggled with friends too!" and i so badly want to yell and scream at them "i love you. i do! id do anything for you!" and yet, here i am at 8:07 pm, dreading facing them again. i'll say it again- im not proud of how im feeeling. im sick and tired of not giving these kids what they need. im hoping that a good night sleep tonight, and a recharging friday of planning and such will put me in higher hopes and will help me to see that in fact, i am competent. that in fact, caring does matter and the kids see it. and that maybe, just maybe, i can help these kids succeed.

i know these ramblings seem desperate and disjointed. well, they are. thats probably a good summation of what im feeling. and what ive been feeling. i have a wise friend who when i minorly complained to her one day said, "well this is your passion isnt it?" it is. i just have to dig down deep and find it again. i want my kids to be ready for the real world. and by george if that means no bathroom breaks and consequences for breaking rules, well then, so be it. for any readers out there....i need the positive vibes. send them my way. please.

must remember- Go forth to serve.

being an armadillo and other stories.

im sitting on my porch with spencer right now (spencer is our resident gecko). my computer screen is fogging over, and the top of my keyboard is slippery with the humidity. two of my friends just left for their busy days in the real world, and in true shauna sullivan fashion i called, "make good choices!" as they walked away. am i ready to be a mom or what? i've realized that im slowly becoming more and more domestic. interior decorating, baking cupcakes for my roommates and squatters, itching to sew something up...its all hitting me like a ton of bricks. im going to investigate the sewing machine i found in my closet today and see if it is in working order. i have some baby blankets that i need to make before too long here, and plus, its also just super cool to find a sewing machine in ones closet. definitely worth a closer look.
despite my random warblings, actual things are happening in my life. i will be a teacher in exactly one week from now. the weight of the responsibility i feel towards these kids is painful and exciting. the painful because i want everything i'm doing to be so stellar, in order for them to get where they need to go. i want to be for them what my best teachers were for me. they were so formative in my life. and actually, i can point to one teacher specifically who literally changed the course of my life. it was my junior year of high school and of course, my life was status quo. and then, i was introduced to the world by this man who told stories about traveling, and new cultures, and the exotic places he had seen. i was mesmerized. but it was more than that. i finallt knew that i wanted to see the world, and do my part to learn from them, and in turn give them opportunities that i had that they didnt. i never knew that the world existed beyond my own backyard, and i refuse to let my own students have to wait as long as i did. i wonder if i have the capability to actually change someone's life like this teacher did for me. how do you know this? it probably should be some intrinsic confidence, but i cant seem to muster it this week. there are so many things rushing through my head that i cant make sense of any of them and they are going so dang fast that i cant grasp any of them solidly. (i just tried to write a metaphor that was appropriate for this situation. i promptly deleted it because it got to be about a paragraph long and it was about a fisherman.) im working relentlessly to feel on top of my game...luckily i have an amazing team of fellow teachers and a supportive administration who seem to believe that i can do this. my heart literally aches thinking about letting these kids down. ugh. if only i didnt have inadequacies...but regardless of any doubts i may have, i do know one thing. i will love my students like no other teacher has before. i practically smother them with caring. everyone has to have a strength, right?

to change the tone of this particular post...lets focus on the festivities that were last weekend. "La Noche de Tejas" was a screaming success. our dear friend Josh Brown was turning 25 and of course, we wanted to a.) help him have a stellar day and b.) demonstrate our superior party throwing skills. we took his three favorite things and bada bing bada boom, we created this party. everyone dressed up (rule number one for theme parties) and in our foyer, we had our "borrowed" stop sign, a full length mirror, and a sign that read "Before you enter, STOP and evalaute yourself. are you in full costume? if not, please RE EVALUATE and rethink your entry into the party." and i think it actually worked. most everyone had some form of a costume on. our costumes were by far the best, i mean, whats more texas than armadillos? (again, i will never ask the question, why dont i have a boyfriend?) we had a beautiful night full of red velvet cake, tons of texas decorations littering the walls, plenty of dressed up friends, and a marachi rendition of happy birthday. its these moments that im living for in between the waiting for my actual real life to kick in. not sure why but the pictures arent uploading. ill try again later. but to sum up my life right now, it is busy with a twist of anvxiety, with a dash of still no life routine thrown in there. ahhh. drink it up. goes down smooth every time.

and the newest hired teacher is...

(me and gools at barnes and noble being so excited to work on long term plans and for my exciting new job!)

me!! i am now an employee of woodlawn middle school in east baton rouge parish school district and i will be teaching two 7th grade english classes and one 8th grade english class. one of my mississippi students called me today and i told her i would be teaching 7th and 8th graders. she just laughed and said "that's going to be hard ma'am" agreed, tranquasia. agreed. i will not have my own classroom (i'll be jumping between three different rooms, on a cart no less) and im excited for the challenge. thank you to everyone (especially the amazing quadrilateral) for sending out so many positive vibes that i'm sure got me the job. i am working woman!

philosophy circles.

that post title is not deceptive at all...for the last few nights my front porch has been overrun by men who discuss important things in ways that i can't even begin to frame a conversation with any sort of authority. i have loved how the boys take over our adirondacks (and two actually brought their own chairs...people are settling in at tulip st.!) and us four ladies always end up in the kitchen dancing, talking, and always snacking. our conversations are filled with the real, not the hypothetical. they are full of emotion and passion and sadness and happiness and laughter. and although we don't happen to talk about the cyclical nature of the universe (in terms of the laws of thermodynamics) i would say that we have some pretty intelligent and moving conversation. im not sure who i'm convincing here...but as far as i'm concerned, both the men and women of tulip st. are equally impressive.

life has formed somewhat of a routine these days. it is incredibly fun to wake up to a houseful of my friends. i eat a bowl of cereal, whenever i decide to crawl out of my yellow and gray bedroom hours after my alarm has actually gone off, i drink a cold can of DC, i say my hellos, and i sit on the wood floor of my room and try to make myself look decent. i've decided its actually not even worth it to shower. 30 seconds after you get ready you are already a sweaty, damp mess. my hygiene has gone out of the window. like seriously. and, our shower drain has decided to not stay open while the shower is running, so our feet get to bathe whilst we are showering. so many people germs all over my feet. hopefully no one gets what lives in my red vans or plaid sperrys...tulip st. has become the place to be. ive gotten texts from people asking what the party is going on at our house, everyone just walks in and out, and we are becoming quite the hostesses. i absolutely love playing hostess. two days ago, we inaugurated leslie (my lime green kitchenaid) and made banana bread. without measuring cups. or a for sure recipe. how amazing are we? lets just say the bread was a hit, and there are more baked goods to come.

we kicked off "round zero" this week, which is all day training. i wrote my classroom vision and big goal. my 7th graders are going to be young professionals and know that education equals opportunity. i am so excited to get into the classroom and change the trajectory of lives. it sounds conceited, but im going to be as bold as to say that i will do everything in my power to give my students more. more academic success, more educational opportunities, and more well rounded-ness. basically, im (hopefully) going to do for them what i would have loved someone doing for me in the 7th grade. and ps, no one really believes that i didnt have friends in 7th grade. yep, pretty sure i read books at lunch in the library alone (and that lunch consisted of a hotdog, super pretzel, and dr.pepper) and then once i got to temecula prep, was never allowed to be written into the other girls story! i have come a long way....

i have so very much swirling around in my head at the moment. too much to decipher actually. i am trying to decide what my passion is, besides the very generalized "helping people" schtick. i have almost forgotten my absolute love for women's issues...i need to find a way to weave together everything that i want for my life. more on this to surface. im taking suggestions as to what people think my passion should or could be.

necessary shout outs: 1.) momma gools for being so incredibly amazing, especially when we all needed a mom a little bit:)
2.) brittany johnson: you can do it. you are incredible. dont forget that you are the kourtney to my khloe.
3.) my familia: thank you thank you thank you. love to all.
4.) the quadrilateral: you are my backbone. and you make it okay for me to fly my freak flag as high as it will go.

tonight, im riding high on our free couch we just got from a TFA alum and the fact that i have learned what it means to really love people. in this next week, i want to demonstrate that love, and make it visible to everyone around me. my idealism is slowly creeping its way back into my life and i love it. welcome back.

sigh of relief.

(this photo is me and my roommate/soulmate emma lurking at community coffee, stealing their internet after a long day of "round zero" training. i almost miss institute)

finally...a job interview!! it is for a 7th grade ELA (english language arts) position at Woodlawn Middle in East Baton Rouge Parish. wish me luck.

as of late, ive been living the life. absolutely lazy. kind of messy. my house looks like a homeless shelter, and i have to go to random coffee shops for internet. one of these days i'll be able to do a legitimate blog post, but until then, know that i am incredibly happy and excited to sleep in my adorable room later tonight (or dream of sleeping...its going to be a wild night i think...)

the promised pictures and more exciting information.

these past few days have been a joyous blur! i absolutely love living in rainy, hurricane season baton rouge and living with some amazing people. the only person that is hurting is my bank account...thank goodness for credit cards, right? i'll post more once i get internet at my home (currently at barnes and noble) but here are some pictures.

louisiana living.

we christened the new place last night, with our "freedom" party (don't worry blogosphere...pictures are sure to follow). let me preface everything i write with the statement- i am incredibly blessed. my life has become this fairy tale (fairy tale to me, i think) version of imperfect perfection. if you would have told me one year ago that i would be living in a gargantuan early 20th century home in the most beautiful area of the capital city of louisiana, i would have looked at you like you were a total crazy. if you would have continued speaking and told me that i would have spent my last 5 weeks of summer teaching a bunch of incredibly bright and vivacious 6th graders and enjoying it more than practically anything i've done in the last 3 years of college, i would have mocked you in disdain. then, if you just had to keep running your mouth and said something to the effect that i would probably never find fantastic friends to make my life lovely and exciting, i actually might have agreed with you. fate has twisted all of these situations into this amalgamation of the things ive needed most to grow as an individual. im acutely aware, more now than ever, of my relative imperfection and the long road that i have to travel in order to even be close to the person that i want to eventually become, but for the first time in a long time, i feel like im actually on the road that leads to that happy conclusion.
that sounded a bit cryptic. let me put my life in terms that are a little easier to understand. my last day of summer school was this friday. my students were unusually rowdy, as per the last day of school is. at least they got to walk into my classroom where Justin Bieber was blasting (i tried to get Chris breezy going, but youtube decided to stop working. my students LOVE the chris brown). we chatted about the big goal (more on that later) and we talked about where they wanted to be in 10 years. the lovely, ambitious things that came out of their mouths made me so happy. when i asked one special student where she wanted to be, she said she wanted to be a lawyer because they help people, and that she wanted to go to hale college. We all stopped and kindle asked her where that college was. after some prompting and a little correcting, this student realized she actually wanted to go to Yale. most of my students have these big dreams, and i must admit, i thought that they wouldnt have them. i was biased, and at least i can see that now. but practically every single one of them wanted to something big with their lives, and it always involved college. and not just any college, but ivy league colleges. because of the luck of my draw with the roster, i feel like i got the privilege of teaching the smartest kids going into 6th grade. every single one of them is so capable. all of my students made at least 10% improvement on their math scores (most made more like 20% increases, one student made an improvement of 34%!!) i just cant believe that there is a system in place that makes my genius students feel as though they aren't smart, or can't do grade level work. it just doesnt make any sense is all. but back to the last day. we listened to bieber, i gave a stirring college presentation (heavy on the sarcasm there) and then amy (my fellow teacher) gave hers. we then fielded questions about college, my favorite questions being "were you scared to go to college?" its funny how we become these fearless leaders in our classroom, we aren't people anymore, we are teachers. it was astute of our student to pick up on the fact that yes, we do in fact get scared (hello, i was scared almost every day walking into the classroom. the trick is not letting them smell the fear). after our college presentation, i let the students have mini donuts and juice that i had picked up from my favorite walmart on the way. (i had decided to drive to school again, simply to listen to taylor swift at full blast with my windows rolled down and the sun rising. and for the promise of a pre-school diet coke). then, we had our awards ceremony. we had printed little certificates for all of our students and we gave a little spiel about each student and then they heard their name and got to come shake our hands. not our best planned moment, but i think the kids liked it. i tried to describe each student accurately, but its hard to know how to say so many things you feel and think about students. one of our students LOVES to dance like Michael Jackson. so, i made him moonwalk up to get his certificate. one of the perks of teaching. then, we cleaned our room and walked to lunch in our straight and quiet line one last time. however, we were about 15 minutes early to lunch for some reason, so i had to round them up and corral them in the cafeteria. not an easy task. but i did get to sit at each table and talk to everyone a little bit. that was my favorite part of lunch duty, getting to talk to my real students, not just the ones that show up in our room everyday. they are such dorks. i always felt right at home.
the afternoon was supposed to be a "carnival" for all of the students with good behavior. it was more of a huge punishment for everyone involved because it was three outdoor games and it was hotter than the freakin surface of the sun. i kid you not. i thought i was going to spontaneously combust. my students commented on how red i looked. awesome. i got to run the "trashketball" game. basically, students ran to a point in the grass, crumpled a piece of paper, then tried to shoot it into a trashcan. hilarious. especially because the boys would get all into it and actually use basketball technique and talk a big game. they LOVE it. i have some funny anecdotes, ask me if you want to hear them. after that, it was the end of the day. i hugged my students and sent them on their way. and that was it. weird how it happens like that. they just walked down the hall like it wasnt the last time they would ever see me. i miss them. i hope with my whole heart that their next teacher helps them to realize their potential. i got my first phone call from a student yesterday. it was tranquasia. and that girl has some attitude. but i broke through. and it made me SO happy.

yesterday, we made the drive to BATON ROUGE. i am now, officially, a resident of this wonderfully humid place. i think that it may quite honestly be the most humid, disgusting weather place in the entire world. someone phrased it wonderfully yesterday, "the amazon has nothing on baton rouge". agreed. we to our house, and fell in love all over again. it is SO cute. and palacial. we got all our stuff moved in and then went to get our stuff out of storage. from storage, we went to sams club, where i now have a membership. so exciting. im really putting down roots! we got the essentials (toliet paper, paper towels, bread) and then drove back to our home in a torrential downpour. we ate subway sanwiches on our air mattresses, and our first houseguests came in. we have mr. huff, will, and joe living with us for the next few weeks. they are absolutely wonderful people, and already showed their appreciation for our hospitality by buying us some hugs (those nasty fruit juices we loved in elementary school) cheez its, and bagels for tomorrow morning. love those boys. i mean, men. after more errands (like buying our first piece of furniture- a table for a certain game played yesterday) we got ready in our freedom apparel (i was the only one who wore the visor) and had our first party!! not too many people came, but enough SLAers came to make it a good time. we danced, i drank way too much diet coke, and then, i went to bed around 2am. i woke up to a chorus of snores, and about 7 extra people sleeping in all random corners of my house. it was one of those moments that made me love my life too much.

then, got dolled up and went to church. it was small, but nice. the institute building is right on campus (and i LOVE campus) i walked in, said hello to the first people i met, and grabbed myself a seat. i didnt even fall asleep during sacrament meeting. and i really needed the sacrament and the meeting today. i kept staring at the picture of Christ on the wall and desiring to come to know Him better and to serve Him better. i came away with a new resolve to do better, but i guess i do that almost every sunday. one of the speakers talked about loving people like Jesus loves them. for some reason, i found this particularly profound today. i want to love people with open arms and let them know that i would do anything for them. i think that if people could describe me as someone who would do that for them, then life has been a success. the speaker read a quote that reminded me of how life without love is nothing. there is no point in anything we do if love is not the prompting factor. how absolutely profound. when it all boils down, it wont matter what i did, who i did it with, or the prestige attached to it if i didnt actually love those around me and develop those personal relationships. gah. my weakness needs to become my strength in this one...

so im still not hired. im going to start praying about it, maybe you should too. while sometimes out here i feel like an island unto myself, im incredibly happy for the most part. its all about enjoying the journey after all, right? (pictures will be up later tonight. be sure to check back...there are some gems)

i walked in memphis. and loved it.

its the end of another crazy week. I can't believe that my time at institute is coming to a close. it feels like we just got here, but it also feels like we've been here for 10 years. i have mixed feelings about the delta. i think there is a magnificent sort of beauty here. (not too many other agree, honestly) the farmland, the amazing sunrises and sunsets, and the clouds- omg it is like they are right on top of you! although i may sound like a total hippie for saying this, i could lie in the grass (with a ton of bug spray) and just look at the sky here for hours. this last week has had many highs and many lows. more lows than highs i would say, which is the unfortunate truth about having a bad attitude and being exhausted all the time. i love my students even more now. im coming to know them a little better and i just want to do right by them. i broke down in one of our training meetings the other day (yes i cried in front of about 30 other people. classy.) because i was so tired and i was incredibly frustrated that i wasn't doing more for my kids. and then, i realized, that i will always feel like this as long as i am a teacher, as long as i am a human being, i will never have done enough. thank goodness i do not have to be perfect. its hard to remember that simple but true fact in the grind of daily life.
i taught my kiddos a lot of things this week, most successfully i taught them how to identify whether a shape was congruent, similar, or neither. i made a powerpoint presentation (which they LOVED. they were so excited to have me turn off the lights. i was like, if you will listen better, ill turn the lights off every day!!) and we learned a little. i got observed this week, which was so nice and so necessary because i felt like a failure all week long. and there are a lot of positives in my classroom. i wrote my students little notes on colored construction paper just saying things like "keep up the good work" and "i know if you work hard you can achieve anything you want!" and they were so weirded out. i heard a lot of things like, "Ms. Sullivan, what are these for?" i wanted to scream to them that i care, and that i want them to excel. i internalize these things too much, especially because my job first and foremost is to actually teach. teaching and educating these children is my job and is what my focus should be. i think i get distracted by the little things as opposed to the big picture of real learning. its a problem im trying my hardest to fix. i start teaching reading next week and im kind of sweating bullets about it. i have the kids for 1:45 minutes for 4 days straight. that is a whole lotta time to fill! i am excited though- my lesson on monday involves me blaring the song "World's Greatest" by R. Kelly. then tuesday starts off with a bang, and "Man in the Mirror". i heard one of my students singing MJ the other day and i was like Boom. done. you sing it, we'll discuss it. i have a ton of prep work ahead of me tomorrow. but its all worth it. i do so much better at teaching when i practice beforehand. before i get off the school subject, yesterday one of my students said to me, "Ms. Sullivan, i'm not trying to be mean or nothing, but sometimes your breath smells like salad." how ironic is that considering a piece of salad hasn't crossed my lips ever. how embarrassing.
this friday was much needed. i feel bad looking forward to the weekends so much, but this was a tough week. it took a toll on me for some reason, and i think its just everything hits you at once and you just wish you could have 2 hours to do whatever it is you want. i cant wait to have my life back.
yesterday was a good night. i finally got chicken parm for dinner (over priced and just ok) and i felt sassy so i got a shirley temple to go with it. i felt like such a goober ordering that as we sat at the bar. the bartender didnt make me pay for it though, so yay free little girl drink!! we then went to the warehouse which is a charming restaurant/bar and practically all of TFA was there. im not gonna lie, it felt good to be social and to actually know people to be social with. i mean, i actually talked with multiple people who werent the quadrilateral (although we were together the entire night. last nights bit o fun was making up conversations for random groups of people in the bar). i knew people and it felt fantastic, especially because these particular people are awesome. im so impressed by everyone i meet here. hopefully they feel the same way about me. then after that, we dropped mady back at the dorm and me and emma and gools went out on the town, feeling sassy. we went to another local hotspot called backdraft that was absolutely the cutest thing ive ever seen. i do not know how cleveland manages to have these adorable restaurants. we lasted around 45 minutes and then headed back to the dorms exhausted. today, we decided to go to memphis! it is only about 2 hours away. i loved it. downtown memphis is beautiful, with a lot of old architecture that is incredibly well maintained, this cool old hotel/shopping center called the peabody, and of course, the crazy beale street. beale street is just a street full of bars and blues joints and i absolutely loved it. gibson guitars has their factory right there too. we walked around in the heat (it was killer) and tried to find something to do. there isnt much during the day when you are on foot. we walked into the peabody and there was a fountain with ducks in it. so of course, i had to go take pics with the ducks. and yes, a duck actually bit me. he thought i was too close and he didnt like it. how humiliating to be bitten by a duck. after wandering a little bit more (and taking in a diet coke break at the local subway) we went to Rendezvous for ribs. its a memphis establishment, apparently. its in this little back alley and its down these stairs. its really quaint and very southern. i got the ribs and i wasnt as impressed as i could have been, but it was certainly good. i think my frustration stemmed from the fact that i got a half order of ribs and it was not enough food. haha. but seriously. i eat like a man these days. any weight i may have lost, is now back and kickin. it felt really good to have some real memphis bbq. i forgot to mention how amazing the view coming into memphis is. you drive through icky town (looks like all of mississippi if that is any indication- except with bars on windows) and then, the road narrows, you begin to see old brick buildings and cute light posts, and then BAM the mississippi river is right in front of you with pretty green banks and this amazing bridge. it was at that moment i fell in absolute love with memphis. i have a feeling the south might have a pretty tight grip on me after 2 years of living here...my parents should start worrying! memphis got two thumbs up, especially because the culture seems so interesting and rich. on our drive home (we drove in stevie, emmas car) we planned our birthday party themes and our halloween costumes. i love my future roommates so much. they make it okay for me to be me. and i am a little kooky if im going to be honest with myself. im quiet most of the time, but if freaky is what you want, freaky is what you'll get. im so looking forward to the end of this week, and my journey back into real life and lousiana. hopefully ill get a job sometime soon. oh, and i told the person who is in charge of getting me hired (looking bleak. only 38 people hired out of 101) that i was very interested in teaching special ed. we will see what happens on that front.
i got some amazing news. my dear friend who has been battling cancer just let me know that a current scan revealed that she is cancer free. i am so grateful to my heavenly father for this miracle, and to her for being a real friend to me and my family. i am beyond happy for her and her family. love you, j.
wish me luck for this next crazy week. and if anyone know how to teach 6th graders how to understand the theme of a story, id be much obliged...

ive been meaning to upload these little gems for a few days now. yay for the 4th of july and red visors.