it's finally time.

i realize how incredibly long it has been since i've shared anything with the cyber world about my status as a first year teacher. well, your wait is finally over. i am slowly and surely starting to come to an amazing place in my life. surely, it has been absolutely hellacious, but there is finally some light at the end of that tunnel. i wake up between 4:45-5:00 am every morning, try to force food down my throat, and am at school by about 5:45/6ish, ready for a new day of working. then, i'm "on duty" until the end of homeroom/1st block. this just means i could be called upon to cover for a missing teacher, but usually it just means i get a half an hour more of work time. then, until my 3rd block, i have my "planning period". this could only be described as me scrambling furiously to get everything ready for the day and steeling myself for the next 5 hours of teaching. its exhausting. and even just thinking about it still kind of gives me that nervous pit in my stomach. but at least now my stomach isn't aching with dread, more or less just the nervous jitters. my daily routine aside, i've really been seeing such a change in my life in the last week or so. no more tears (well...less tears. and usually these are tears now of me just wanting something so badly for my students), finally actually teaching, and a lot more joy in the classroom. i LOVE my students. LOVE them. yes, they get on my nerves, especially in the moment when they are absolutely not paying attention and then talking to their neighbor, or getting out of their seat, or obnoxiously tapping their pencil against their hard plastic desks (i have one very sweet student who just can NOT hold still and his tapping/noisemaking is at epic levels. note to self: see if i can give him something else to tap that makes no noise).there is not a student that i do not like. and i want so badly for them to know that i do care about them so so so much. i'm just ADD in the classroom and can't even focus on anything for more than 5 seconds, especially if I'm trying to teach. its terrible. and, i cant hear. which just adds to the chaos when i dont hear someone say something inappropriate to someone else, and all i hear is the reaction. its a bit troubling.
i know this post has been disjointed, its my first attempts at writing anything personal in about a month. i havent written in my journal or posted simply because its just been too...much. hard to explain. so forgive this post and chalk it up to the first weeks of school. i do want to paint you a picture of what one of my classes looked like this friday so you can understand my hopefulness...
my 3rd block was out of control. i literally could not talk because of all the side chatter. id had the entire administration in my room, i had kids sent to TOR (time out room) and i'd moved seats around, all to no avail. i DREADED going to this class every day. and then, i refocused (got some kids out of my room who were just too low to be in a normal english class) and BOOM one week of consistency, and i got a class this friday that silent reads beautifully, jokes around with me, and LISTENS. they were so engaged in the lesson and in our reading, it was a beautiful sight. and the girl who was giving me continual attitude and whose parents wanted her out of my class, well, we are finally on somewhat good terms. it can happen! im living proof that you can be an abysmal teacher and still have success. i have to plan an entire unit for my 8th graders right now...and of course i still have to plan lessons for my 7th and 8th graders, all before monday. i need 50 hours in the day.
in non school news, i went on a SWAMP tour yesterday! i saw an alligator in its natural habitiat!! and, i vowed to myself i would NEVER swim in louisiana water (unless it was a very well maintained swimming pool). the water is literally TEEMING with wildlife. i cant believe people actually go into it! the water is dark and it looks like bad black coffee. it was fun and relaxing to be in nature. after our leisurely swamp tour at McGee's landing, we went to Breaux bridge, LA for some ice cream and to sneak a peek at a Bayou (yeah, just very dirty water. looked like chocolate milk). it was an amazing louisiana kind of day. i got to hear unbelievable accents, see the louisiana that is portrayed in movies, and eat some amazing birthday cake ice cream with some pretty great people. well, work is calling...and i must answer. so basically- im surviving much better now. thanks for worrying.

putting out the positive vibes.

on second thought, i probably shouldn't write this post until I am in a better frame of mind. nonetheless, i will persevere and simply state: teaching is hard. and let's be honest, i have an amazing job. (minus the cart. which, has in fact, become somewhat of a curiosity among the staff because of my rules, consequences, and big goal posters written on it. i relish when someone stares at it daily). the administration is fantastic and has everything together. I have veteran teachers who let me take their handouts and copy them. and pester them with questions continually. i have a supportive second year corp member who shares an office with me. i have students that ask me if i'm a vegetarian because I dress "all sunshiny". i have students who ask me, with all seriousness, "ms. sullivan, do you ever take a smile off your face?" and, i have access to a box of paper and a copier that works (for the most part). what should be hard, right?

i am consistently faced with my own failure and my responsibility to these kids. I can't believe that incompetent, unknowledgable me is in charge of teaching these amazing (yet not necessarily on academic track) students to read and write so they can get places in life. Me. it is on MY shoulders. yeah, sure i can read. and i love it. but does that mean i can teach it? does that mean that my lessons every day reflect my love and passion for reading/writing? the answer is a resounding No. in between my days of struggling to keep students on task and quelling no-bathroom privilege mutinies, i am silently praying every day that it will go better tomorrow. my prayers, at this point, are not enough. honestly, i havent been relying on Heavenly Father like i most certainly need to. i feel as though i dont have the time. i dont have the brain power. i am slowly turning to mississippi delta institute brain mush alexandra. my creativity, my passion, my excitement are drained out of my body. in my head i just keep saying the words- friday, friday, friday over and over, like my own personal mantra. and i sit here ashamed. ashamed of myself that i am so excited for a day that doesnt end with me having to scrounge around the bottom of my mind barrel for something to occupy the minds of my 7th graders. im not sure this teaching thing is for me. the tears are starting to slowly come right now. its because i want to just love my kids. i want to talk to them sweetly and i want to smile at them and i want them to feel good about themselves for simply being alive and a kid, and a middle school kid at that. i want to stand at the front of my room, applaud them, and say "i know how hard middle school is!! i was awkward and struggled with friends too!" and i so badly want to yell and scream at them "i love you. i do! id do anything for you!" and yet, here i am at 8:07 pm, dreading facing them again. i'll say it again- im not proud of how im feeeling. im sick and tired of not giving these kids what they need. im hoping that a good night sleep tonight, and a recharging friday of planning and such will put me in higher hopes and will help me to see that in fact, i am competent. that in fact, caring does matter and the kids see it. and that maybe, just maybe, i can help these kids succeed.

i know these ramblings seem desperate and disjointed. well, they are. thats probably a good summation of what im feeling. and what ive been feeling. i have a wise friend who when i minorly complained to her one day said, "well this is your passion isnt it?" it is. i just have to dig down deep and find it again. i want my kids to be ready for the real world. and by george if that means no bathroom breaks and consequences for breaking rules, well then, so be it. for any readers out there....i need the positive vibes. send them my way. please.

must remember- Go forth to serve.

being an armadillo and other stories.

im sitting on my porch with spencer right now (spencer is our resident gecko). my computer screen is fogging over, and the top of my keyboard is slippery with the humidity. two of my friends just left for their busy days in the real world, and in true shauna sullivan fashion i called, "make good choices!" as they walked away. am i ready to be a mom or what? i've realized that im slowly becoming more and more domestic. interior decorating, baking cupcakes for my roommates and squatters, itching to sew something up...its all hitting me like a ton of bricks. im going to investigate the sewing machine i found in my closet today and see if it is in working order. i have some baby blankets that i need to make before too long here, and plus, its also just super cool to find a sewing machine in ones closet. definitely worth a closer look.
despite my random warblings, actual things are happening in my life. i will be a teacher in exactly one week from now. the weight of the responsibility i feel towards these kids is painful and exciting. the painful because i want everything i'm doing to be so stellar, in order for them to get where they need to go. i want to be for them what my best teachers were for me. they were so formative in my life. and actually, i can point to one teacher specifically who literally changed the course of my life. it was my junior year of high school and of course, my life was status quo. and then, i was introduced to the world by this man who told stories about traveling, and new cultures, and the exotic places he had seen. i was mesmerized. but it was more than that. i finallt knew that i wanted to see the world, and do my part to learn from them, and in turn give them opportunities that i had that they didnt. i never knew that the world existed beyond my own backyard, and i refuse to let my own students have to wait as long as i did. i wonder if i have the capability to actually change someone's life like this teacher did for me. how do you know this? it probably should be some intrinsic confidence, but i cant seem to muster it this week. there are so many things rushing through my head that i cant make sense of any of them and they are going so dang fast that i cant grasp any of them solidly. (i just tried to write a metaphor that was appropriate for this situation. i promptly deleted it because it got to be about a paragraph long and it was about a fisherman.) im working relentlessly to feel on top of my game...luckily i have an amazing team of fellow teachers and a supportive administration who seem to believe that i can do this. my heart literally aches thinking about letting these kids down. ugh. if only i didnt have inadequacies...but regardless of any doubts i may have, i do know one thing. i will love my students like no other teacher has before. i practically smother them with caring. everyone has to have a strength, right?

to change the tone of this particular post...lets focus on the festivities that were last weekend. "La Noche de Tejas" was a screaming success. our dear friend Josh Brown was turning 25 and of course, we wanted to a.) help him have a stellar day and b.) demonstrate our superior party throwing skills. we took his three favorite things and bada bing bada boom, we created this party. everyone dressed up (rule number one for theme parties) and in our foyer, we had our "borrowed" stop sign, a full length mirror, and a sign that read "Before you enter, STOP and evalaute yourself. are you in full costume? if not, please RE EVALUATE and rethink your entry into the party." and i think it actually worked. most everyone had some form of a costume on. our costumes were by far the best, i mean, whats more texas than armadillos? (again, i will never ask the question, why dont i have a boyfriend?) we had a beautiful night full of red velvet cake, tons of texas decorations littering the walls, plenty of dressed up friends, and a marachi rendition of happy birthday. its these moments that im living for in between the waiting for my actual real life to kick in. not sure why but the pictures arent uploading. ill try again later. but to sum up my life right now, it is busy with a twist of anvxiety, with a dash of still no life routine thrown in there. ahhh. drink it up. goes down smooth every time.

and the newest hired teacher is...

(me and gools at barnes and noble being so excited to work on long term plans and for my exciting new job!)

me!! i am now an employee of woodlawn middle school in east baton rouge parish school district and i will be teaching two 7th grade english classes and one 8th grade english class. one of my mississippi students called me today and i told her i would be teaching 7th and 8th graders. she just laughed and said "that's going to be hard ma'am" agreed, tranquasia. agreed. i will not have my own classroom (i'll be jumping between three different rooms, on a cart no less) and im excited for the challenge. thank you to everyone (especially the amazing quadrilateral) for sending out so many positive vibes that i'm sure got me the job. i am working woman!

philosophy circles.

that post title is not deceptive at all...for the last few nights my front porch has been overrun by men who discuss important things in ways that i can't even begin to frame a conversation with any sort of authority. i have loved how the boys take over our adirondacks (and two actually brought their own chairs...people are settling in at tulip st.!) and us four ladies always end up in the kitchen dancing, talking, and always snacking. our conversations are filled with the real, not the hypothetical. they are full of emotion and passion and sadness and happiness and laughter. and although we don't happen to talk about the cyclical nature of the universe (in terms of the laws of thermodynamics) i would say that we have some pretty intelligent and moving conversation. im not sure who i'm convincing here...but as far as i'm concerned, both the men and women of tulip st. are equally impressive.

life has formed somewhat of a routine these days. it is incredibly fun to wake up to a houseful of my friends. i eat a bowl of cereal, whenever i decide to crawl out of my yellow and gray bedroom hours after my alarm has actually gone off, i drink a cold can of DC, i say my hellos, and i sit on the wood floor of my room and try to make myself look decent. i've decided its actually not even worth it to shower. 30 seconds after you get ready you are already a sweaty, damp mess. my hygiene has gone out of the window. like seriously. and, our shower drain has decided to not stay open while the shower is running, so our feet get to bathe whilst we are showering. so many people germs all over my feet. hopefully no one gets what lives in my red vans or plaid sperrys...tulip st. has become the place to be. ive gotten texts from people asking what the party is going on at our house, everyone just walks in and out, and we are becoming quite the hostesses. i absolutely love playing hostess. two days ago, we inaugurated leslie (my lime green kitchenaid) and made banana bread. without measuring cups. or a for sure recipe. how amazing are we? lets just say the bread was a hit, and there are more baked goods to come.

we kicked off "round zero" this week, which is all day training. i wrote my classroom vision and big goal. my 7th graders are going to be young professionals and know that education equals opportunity. i am so excited to get into the classroom and change the trajectory of lives. it sounds conceited, but im going to be as bold as to say that i will do everything in my power to give my students more. more academic success, more educational opportunities, and more well rounded-ness. basically, im (hopefully) going to do for them what i would have loved someone doing for me in the 7th grade. and ps, no one really believes that i didnt have friends in 7th grade. yep, pretty sure i read books at lunch in the library alone (and that lunch consisted of a hotdog, super pretzel, and dr.pepper) and then once i got to temecula prep, was never allowed to be written into the other girls story! i have come a long way....

i have so very much swirling around in my head at the moment. too much to decipher actually. i am trying to decide what my passion is, besides the very generalized "helping people" schtick. i have almost forgotten my absolute love for women's issues...i need to find a way to weave together everything that i want for my life. more on this to surface. im taking suggestions as to what people think my passion should or could be.

necessary shout outs: 1.) momma gools for being so incredibly amazing, especially when we all needed a mom a little bit:)
2.) brittany johnson: you can do it. you are incredible. dont forget that you are the kourtney to my khloe.
3.) my familia: thank you thank you thank you. love to all.
4.) the quadrilateral: you are my backbone. and you make it okay for me to fly my freak flag as high as it will go.

tonight, im riding high on our free couch we just got from a TFA alum and the fact that i have learned what it means to really love people. in this next week, i want to demonstrate that love, and make it visible to everyone around me. my idealism is slowly creeping its way back into my life and i love it. welcome back.

sigh of relief.

(this photo is me and my roommate/soulmate emma lurking at community coffee, stealing their internet after a long day of "round zero" training. i almost miss institute)

finally...a job interview!! it is for a 7th grade ELA (english language arts) position at Woodlawn Middle in East Baton Rouge Parish. wish me luck.

as of late, ive been living the life. absolutely lazy. kind of messy. my house looks like a homeless shelter, and i have to go to random coffee shops for internet. one of these days i'll be able to do a legitimate blog post, but until then, know that i am incredibly happy and excited to sleep in my adorable room later tonight (or dream of sleeping...its going to be a wild night i think...)

the promised pictures and more exciting information.

these past few days have been a joyous blur! i absolutely love living in rainy, hurricane season baton rouge and living with some amazing people. the only person that is hurting is my bank account...thank goodness for credit cards, right? i'll post more once i get internet at my home (currently at barnes and noble) but here are some pictures.