Wednesday, June 1
Miss Margaret and other thoughts...
Here it is. Official blog post for June the 1st. I've felt incredibly up in the air the past couple of weeks. I want my life to have meaning, and I want to share it with people that care about me. Actually, I think that's where much of life's meaning is found- through meaningful relationships with others. Well, unfortunately for me, I now live ALONE, I work at a store with about 40 other people (so it is hard to get to know anyone), my roommates are out of town (currently: in Gulf Shores. in july: home/abroad), and I am unattached romantically (and I promise, I'm not trying to advertise the fact, I'm simply putting it out into the universe so everyone knows I'm now detached and that I'm fine with it). wow...I guess now that I'm more solitary I think its okay to ramble...the point that I was trying to make a couple sentences ago was that it is even harder for me to connect to people because of my life. So, I thought to myself during my 7 hour shift at GAP, what is the meaning of it all? What should I be doing to ensure that I can make these meaningful connections with other people? since I can't control other people, I again thought, "hey, why don't I spend the month of June becoming that much more awesome so these connections will happen better and I will be a much more awesome and happier human being?" this month I am going to focus on myself (and serving others, obviously). Hopefully this journey leads me to better understand myself and the world around me. I just want to be happy, and I think that my new goals (I will refrain from posting them...just in case I don't quite meet them all). This little kitten might help me be a little happier too...wish me luck!
I'm back!
Yes, yes loyal blog followers (all 2 of you), I'm back and better than ever! I've decided that June is going to be my month, and by that I mean I'm revamping my life, including the ol' blog. I am going to post every day for a month, chronicling the exciting stuff and the not-so-exciting stuff about starting a new life from scratch. For those of you that don't know, I have my first one-bedroom apartment, a brand new job (complete with my own classroom! miracle!), no romantic attachments, and a desire to finally start to figure myself out a little bit. Oh, and I may have gotten a kitten. Her name is Margaret Thatcher, but around here we just call her Margaret. Keep your eyes peeled for pictures and posts this month! Here's to hoping you will see a new me by the end of June...
Saturday, October 30
halloween eve.
i am writing from the comfort of my newly decorate and rearranged room (thanks mom). it is like a dream in here. well, a dream and a freezer. the temperature in our house has fluctuated from a balmy 90 to a freezing 60 in the span of 3 days. one of the joys of louisiana. the funny thing is, when i got dressed this morning (hurriedly and in the bathroom after my incredibly steamy shower) I dressed for the temperature of the house (i.e. plaid, wool duster, and boots) and not the temperature it was outside (maybe, maybe a light jacket and capri kind of weather). and so it goes down here in the south.
here's whats been going on in my life these days. i am teaching around 80 wonderful children. they usually don't pay attention to a word i say, they write hate messages about me on the bathroom wall (in sharpie!!) don't take anything i say seriously, undermine my credibility with my colleagues, and inspire folklore among substitutes. ha. my students have such personalities. they really are the biggest joys and at the same time the biggest pains. we are getting there. sometimes my class actually feels like a classroom, with learning and student investment. those days are few and far between, if i'm honest. but, they have happened. case in point- friday we took the edusoft unit tests. on thursday we had discussed what we got on our last test (not so high of a percentage) and i made some bold promises if we got our class averages up. they participated in the discussion actively, and told me what they were going to differently this time around and why they wanted to. it made me happy. but here is the REAL good part. 3rd block came into the room (quietly, mind you) took out their pencils, and got right to work. and one of my students who is quite the pill would get off task a little bit, i'd give her my little teacher look and motion for her to look back at her paper, and she would whisper under her breath "ice cream, ice cream, think about the ice cream" (and this is because i promised the kiddos ice cream sundaes if we got a certain percentage). it made me smile. also made me smile- my "trick or treat" testing idea. i had my lovely students decorate white paper bags and every 5 minutes they were focusing during the test, they got an obscene amount of candy. by the time 5th block rolled around, word of the candy had spread. however, remind me NEVER to give my students candy at the end of the day. they were BONKERS. and they even said "can you bring the fun ms. sullivan back?" ha. absolutely not is my response to that.
this week we start our poetry units. havent planned a darn thing. its like i sit down at my computer and i get sucked into this time warp where im working, however, nothing gets done. any teachers who can commiserate with me? and/or tell me how to solve this massive problem? teaching is exhausting. i dont have the strength to plan my life and to do normal things like go to the gym and do service and do all of the church stuff that i need to. this job has taken a lot from me. and im slowly trying to take it all back. ahhh dashboard just came on my pandora station. it goes down smooth every time. takes me right back to freshman year of college. and then sophomore year. and then, showers junior year at old academy. i realized that my memory is incredibly tied to music. i find myself saying "this song takes me right back to..." for instance, today at CPK "1,2,3,4" by Feist was on the radio. and it took me right back to halloween of sophomore year where i went on a blind date to a haunted house. and the guy was absolutely not interested. awkward.
i have another new calling. not only am i a relief society teacher (which i love, love, love) but i was recently called as the sunday school secretary. i have no idea what that even means. and i as im writing this i just remembered that i was supposed to go to a training meeting today. CRAP. there i go, not fulfililng my calling already.
i decided that 75% of my problems here in louisiana stem from homesickness. i miss my family too much. its the worse when i wake up in the mornings and on my drive to school. its a lonely, lonely and dark time. and its all compounded by failing at my job consistently. and being absolutely STUCK here. cant fly when i want too because its too freaking expensive and cant drive because its 30 hours. very unsettling. i miss my family. said it, meant it. i simply want to be a part of their lives. i want to help my cousins- people that actually NEED me. to be known personally is such a blessing as well, you take it for granted when you are around people you've known for years. everyone out here i've know for 5 months at the longest. and that is simply not enough time. when my mom was here, it was so nice to just be able to sit in comfortable silence and just know that she got me. ugh. i sound so angsty and teenagery. im getting better, but this experience has made me appreciate the fam that much more. and cue the biological clock to start ticking. there is absolutely zero chance of me finding anyone to date/marry out here. and let's be honest, im going to be a great wife and mom. i see my coworkers with their kids or hear them talk about their kids and families and it makes my heart melt for that. it took me moving thousands of miles to realize that id be happy in a domestic suburban situation (slightly modified to be socially responsible of course). so, if you know of any single, straight, somewhat good looking, intelligent, funny males between the ages of 23-32, send 'em my way. i was thinking to myself "hmm..maybe i should have never left utah" and then i thought to myself directly after that, "oh, ha, that's right- i had absolutely no good dating experiences in provo." and then right after that, "ha ha ha ha...summer sales. belmont...dance parties. scenester indie kids who i was never cool enough to be. yeah...at least now i can blame there being no options for my date-free life." it seems like a fair trade off.
so, like i said, im slowly reclaiming my life. im performing all of my church duties (barring the meeting i missed today- sorry church peeps), im reading not one but TWO books for pleasure (the biography of alexander hamilton and the birth of venus), going to the gym, budgeting, rediscovering my love of 80s music, and obsessing over very little things like dyeing my hair blonde again. i may be mildly girl crushing on carey mulligan (of An Eductation fame; see October vogue cover) and her growing out short haircut. im bringing back the blonde.
im trying my hardest to be happy. this is a tough situation. and i thought that i would handle it a lot better, but this is how it is panning out, and thats okay. im not going to be saving the world this year, but im learning a lot about myself and the way the world works. and i realize what is important in life with a clarity that i never thought i would have until i was much older. fact remains- im a real adult now, although my behavior would probably indicate otherwise. but cut me some slack- im new to this whole adult thing.
if my life could be summed up in one word right now it would be TRYING. trying to be better, trying to help people, trying to make this feel like my real life. its a tough job, but i guess i have to do it. (and lets be honest, new order has some AMAZING 80s jams that make everything better. im a pretty happy camper for blogging at 8:52 pm on a Saturday night when i should be dressed up and hosting a halloween party).
trick or treat:)
here's whats been going on in my life these days. i am teaching around 80 wonderful children. they usually don't pay attention to a word i say, they write hate messages about me on the bathroom wall (in sharpie!!) don't take anything i say seriously, undermine my credibility with my colleagues, and inspire folklore among substitutes. ha. my students have such personalities. they really are the biggest joys and at the same time the biggest pains. we are getting there. sometimes my class actually feels like a classroom, with learning and student investment. those days are few and far between, if i'm honest. but, they have happened. case in point- friday we took the edusoft unit tests. on thursday we had discussed what we got on our last test (not so high of a percentage) and i made some bold promises if we got our class averages up. they participated in the discussion actively, and told me what they were going to differently this time around and why they wanted to. it made me happy. but here is the REAL good part. 3rd block came into the room (quietly, mind you) took out their pencils, and got right to work. and one of my students who is quite the pill would get off task a little bit, i'd give her my little teacher look and motion for her to look back at her paper, and she would whisper under her breath "ice cream, ice cream, think about the ice cream" (and this is because i promised the kiddos ice cream sundaes if we got a certain percentage). it made me smile. also made me smile- my "trick or treat" testing idea. i had my lovely students decorate white paper bags and every 5 minutes they were focusing during the test, they got an obscene amount of candy. by the time 5th block rolled around, word of the candy had spread. however, remind me NEVER to give my students candy at the end of the day. they were BONKERS. and they even said "can you bring the fun ms. sullivan back?" ha. absolutely not is my response to that.
this week we start our poetry units. havent planned a darn thing. its like i sit down at my computer and i get sucked into this time warp where im working, however, nothing gets done. any teachers who can commiserate with me? and/or tell me how to solve this massive problem? teaching is exhausting. i dont have the strength to plan my life and to do normal things like go to the gym and do service and do all of the church stuff that i need to. this job has taken a lot from me. and im slowly trying to take it all back. ahhh dashboard just came on my pandora station. it goes down smooth every time. takes me right back to freshman year of college. and then sophomore year. and then, showers junior year at old academy. i realized that my memory is incredibly tied to music. i find myself saying "this song takes me right back to..." for instance, today at CPK "1,2,3,4" by Feist was on the radio. and it took me right back to halloween of sophomore year where i went on a blind date to a haunted house. and the guy was absolutely not interested. awkward.
i have another new calling. not only am i a relief society teacher (which i love, love, love) but i was recently called as the sunday school secretary. i have no idea what that even means. and i as im writing this i just remembered that i was supposed to go to a training meeting today. CRAP. there i go, not fulfililng my calling already.
i decided that 75% of my problems here in louisiana stem from homesickness. i miss my family too much. its the worse when i wake up in the mornings and on my drive to school. its a lonely, lonely and dark time. and its all compounded by failing at my job consistently. and being absolutely STUCK here. cant fly when i want too because its too freaking expensive and cant drive because its 30 hours. very unsettling. i miss my family. said it, meant it. i simply want to be a part of their lives. i want to help my cousins- people that actually NEED me. to be known personally is such a blessing as well, you take it for granted when you are around people you've known for years. everyone out here i've know for 5 months at the longest. and that is simply not enough time. when my mom was here, it was so nice to just be able to sit in comfortable silence and just know that she got me. ugh. i sound so angsty and teenagery. im getting better, but this experience has made me appreciate the fam that much more. and cue the biological clock to start ticking. there is absolutely zero chance of me finding anyone to date/marry out here. and let's be honest, im going to be a great wife and mom. i see my coworkers with their kids or hear them talk about their kids and families and it makes my heart melt for that. it took me moving thousands of miles to realize that id be happy in a domestic suburban situation (slightly modified to be socially responsible of course). so, if you know of any single, straight, somewhat good looking, intelligent, funny males between the ages of 23-32, send 'em my way. i was thinking to myself "hmm..maybe i should have never left utah" and then i thought to myself directly after that, "oh, ha, that's right- i had absolutely no good dating experiences in provo." and then right after that, "ha ha ha ha...summer sales. belmont...dance parties. scenester indie kids who i was never cool enough to be. yeah...at least now i can blame there being no options for my date-free life." it seems like a fair trade off.
so, like i said, im slowly reclaiming my life. im performing all of my church duties (barring the meeting i missed today- sorry church peeps), im reading not one but TWO books for pleasure (the biography of alexander hamilton and the birth of venus), going to the gym, budgeting, rediscovering my love of 80s music, and obsessing over very little things like dyeing my hair blonde again. i may be mildly girl crushing on carey mulligan (of An Eductation fame; see October vogue cover) and her growing out short haircut. im bringing back the blonde.
im trying my hardest to be happy. this is a tough situation. and i thought that i would handle it a lot better, but this is how it is panning out, and thats okay. im not going to be saving the world this year, but im learning a lot about myself and the way the world works. and i realize what is important in life with a clarity that i never thought i would have until i was much older. fact remains- im a real adult now, although my behavior would probably indicate otherwise. but cut me some slack- im new to this whole adult thing.
if my life could be summed up in one word right now it would be TRYING. trying to be better, trying to help people, trying to make this feel like my real life. its a tough job, but i guess i have to do it. (and lets be honest, new order has some AMAZING 80s jams that make everything better. im a pretty happy camper for blogging at 8:52 pm on a Saturday night when i should be dressed up and hosting a halloween party).
trick or treat:)
Friday, September 17
resident baker.
"man ms. sullivan, i wish my momma could bake like you." yep. i was told this about 17 hundred times today. thank you, nestle tollhouse cookie dough bucket. i baked my students cookies. i broke. and the results were stellar (my 4th block likes to mimic my usage of the word stellar. boogers.) my 3rd block is full of superstars. we had a class discussion about what went well this week and the phrase, "we actually learned because we were quiet" literally came out of the mouth of my little sassafras. they UNDERSTOOD that i could teach if they got their act together. what a concept. but it was beautiful day. it made me so happy. my 3rd block has become this organism that is positive, the students love the class, are passing their quizzes, and tell me how much they love me. i had my first day of job satisfaction. and it was wonderful.
so many good adjectives describe today. i still had to break my 4th block (im training them. literally. they sat on the floor in the hallway today to use the bathroom. yep. the floor. because they can't handle standing. i took a perverse pleasure in it today. "ms. sullivan, this floor be nasty! we too old for this" my response- a smarmy look and a "really? lets think about your behavior yesterday...")
i had a meeting regarding my 8th graders with someone from the district. and we both decided that the 8th grade curriculum was a little out of our reach. so im creating a new curriculum that is going to prepare my babies for passing the LEAP test and setting them up for actual success in their futures. i have a 16 year old 8th grader who I just adore because today he said, "ms. sullivan, i do the most work in your class" and i had someone earlier in the day joke about how often this student would sleep in all his other classes. job satisfaction encapsulated.
im worn out. and currently baking a white cake with white frosting for my dear friend goolia's faux birthday shindig tonight. my frosting is delicious, but i do have a request in for an oven that actually bakes things instead of scorching them. that and a sewing machine would pretty much complete my life at this point.
and i just realized i can make my hair look like justin beibers. sick.
so many good adjectives describe today. i still had to break my 4th block (im training them. literally. they sat on the floor in the hallway today to use the bathroom. yep. the floor. because they can't handle standing. i took a perverse pleasure in it today. "ms. sullivan, this floor be nasty! we too old for this" my response- a smarmy look and a "really? lets think about your behavior yesterday...")
i had a meeting regarding my 8th graders with someone from the district. and we both decided that the 8th grade curriculum was a little out of our reach. so im creating a new curriculum that is going to prepare my babies for passing the LEAP test and setting them up for actual success in their futures. i have a 16 year old 8th grader who I just adore because today he said, "ms. sullivan, i do the most work in your class" and i had someone earlier in the day joke about how often this student would sleep in all his other classes. job satisfaction encapsulated.
im worn out. and currently baking a white cake with white frosting for my dear friend goolia's faux birthday shindig tonight. my frosting is delicious, but i do have a request in for an oven that actually bakes things instead of scorching them. that and a sewing machine would pretty much complete my life at this point.
and i just realized i can make my hair look like justin beibers. sick.
Tuesday, September 14
tired, exhausted, and very full.
i just ate a blooming onion from Outback to-go. yep, it is now official that I am the most disgusting grease receptacle on the planet. today was a better day than yesterday, but still just fine. fine is probably the perfect way to describe my classroom and the way things are going. yesterday, all hell broke loose in 4th block. literally. i ended up just teaching to the students that were paying attention. and so it is.
my life is still settling. my room is constantly a disaster area, my papers are all over the place, and organization...well, thats a thing of the past. but small victories- i no longer raise my voice at all in the classroom. perhaps that is to my detriment, but well, if i can teach a kid that yelling and anger doesnt get you anywhere, then thats a complete win for me. i was talking with my roommate today about how our students are going to be adults one day. and if they can talk to us with such blatant disrespect, then they will be adults that will talk with blatant disrespect. the job of "teacher" is so absolutely vital. i mean, i see these kids more than their parents do in some cases! when all is said and done, i just wish i could love these kids into doing what i need them to do. i mean, is 90 minutes of quiet too much to ask? is keeping your head off your desk too much? is writing a complete sentence too much? im just...torn. and i am torn in oh so many directions.
ive taken too many breaks already today. i got my best friend's brand new beautiful miracle baby a present today. buying presents makes me feel like a worthwhile person. it has to be something that validates me, and i guess this is the way ive chosen. i wish i felt closer to life's little miracles (or huge miracles, rather). Heavenly Father truly blesses His children. we simply need to stop, take a deep breath, and realize it. as an instructor of highly malleable teenagers, ive become so jaded at the world. i want to press the stop button, and reprogram the way our society is devolving because thats what it is doing. devolving. our kids are suffering for it.
i have some funny (and not so funny) stories, but insitute calls. be grateful for those blessings in your lives that you recognize, and work hard to recognize the ones you dont already see. im trying...
my life is still settling. my room is constantly a disaster area, my papers are all over the place, and organization...well, thats a thing of the past. but small victories- i no longer raise my voice at all in the classroom. perhaps that is to my detriment, but well, if i can teach a kid that yelling and anger doesnt get you anywhere, then thats a complete win for me. i was talking with my roommate today about how our students are going to be adults one day. and if they can talk to us with such blatant disrespect, then they will be adults that will talk with blatant disrespect. the job of "teacher" is so absolutely vital. i mean, i see these kids more than their parents do in some cases! when all is said and done, i just wish i could love these kids into doing what i need them to do. i mean, is 90 minutes of quiet too much to ask? is keeping your head off your desk too much? is writing a complete sentence too much? im just...torn. and i am torn in oh so many directions.
ive taken too many breaks already today. i got my best friend's brand new beautiful miracle baby a present today. buying presents makes me feel like a worthwhile person. it has to be something that validates me, and i guess this is the way ive chosen. i wish i felt closer to life's little miracles (or huge miracles, rather). Heavenly Father truly blesses His children. we simply need to stop, take a deep breath, and realize it. as an instructor of highly malleable teenagers, ive become so jaded at the world. i want to press the stop button, and reprogram the way our society is devolving because thats what it is doing. devolving. our kids are suffering for it.
i have some funny (and not so funny) stories, but insitute calls. be grateful for those blessings in your lives that you recognize, and work hard to recognize the ones you dont already see. im trying...
Sunday, September 5
it's finally time.
i realize how incredibly long it has been since i've shared anything with the cyber world about my status as a first year teacher. well, your wait is finally over. i am slowly and surely starting to come to an amazing place in my life. surely, it has been absolutely hellacious, but there is finally some light at the end of that tunnel. i wake up between 4:45-5:00 am every morning, try to force food down my throat, and am at school by about 5:45/6ish, ready for a new day of working. then, i'm "on duty" until the end of homeroom/1st block. this just means i could be called upon to cover for a missing teacher, but usually it just means i get a half an hour more of work time. then, until my 3rd block, i have my "planning period". this could only be described as me scrambling furiously to get everything ready for the day and steeling myself for the next 5 hours of teaching. its exhausting. and even just thinking about it still kind of gives me that nervous pit in my stomach. but at least now my stomach isn't aching with dread, more or less just the nervous jitters. my daily routine aside, i've really been seeing such a change in my life in the last week or so. no more tears (well...less tears. and usually these are tears now of me just wanting something so badly for my students), finally actually teaching, and a lot more joy in the classroom. i LOVE my students. LOVE them. yes, they get on my nerves, especially in the moment when they are absolutely not paying attention and then talking to their neighbor, or getting out of their seat, or obnoxiously tapping their pencil against their hard plastic desks (i have one very sweet student who just can NOT hold still and his tapping/noisemaking is at epic levels. note to self: see if i can give him something else to tap that makes no noise).there is not a student that i do not like. and i want so badly for them to know that i do care about them so so so much. i'm just ADD in the classroom and can't even focus on anything for more than 5 seconds, especially if I'm trying to teach. its terrible. and, i cant hear. which just adds to the chaos when i dont hear someone say something inappropriate to someone else, and all i hear is the reaction. its a bit troubling.
i know this post has been disjointed, its my first attempts at writing anything personal in about a month. i havent written in my journal or posted simply because its just been too...much. hard to explain. so forgive this post and chalk it up to the first weeks of school. i do want to paint you a picture of what one of my classes looked like this friday so you can understand my hopefulness...
my 3rd block was out of control. i literally could not talk because of all the side chatter. id had the entire administration in my room, i had kids sent to TOR (time out room) and i'd moved seats around, all to no avail. i DREADED going to this class every day. and then, i refocused (got some kids out of my room who were just too low to be in a normal english class) and BOOM one week of consistency, and i got a class this friday that silent reads beautifully, jokes around with me, and LISTENS. they were so engaged in the lesson and in our reading, it was a beautiful sight. and the girl who was giving me continual attitude and whose parents wanted her out of my class, well, we are finally on somewhat good terms. it can happen! im living proof that you can be an abysmal teacher and still have success. i have to plan an entire unit for my 8th graders right now...and of course i still have to plan lessons for my 7th and 8th graders, all before monday. i need 50 hours in the day.
in non school news, i went on a SWAMP tour yesterday! i saw an alligator in its natural habitiat!! and, i vowed to myself i would NEVER swim in louisiana water (unless it was a very well maintained swimming pool). the water is literally TEEMING with wildlife. i cant believe people actually go into it! the water is dark and it looks like bad black coffee. it was fun and relaxing to be in nature. after our leisurely swamp tour at McGee's landing, we went to Breaux bridge, LA for some ice cream and to sneak a peek at a Bayou (yeah, just very dirty water. looked like chocolate milk). it was an amazing louisiana kind of day. i got to hear unbelievable accents, see the louisiana that is portrayed in movies, and eat some amazing birthday cake ice cream with some pretty great people. well, work is calling...and i must answer. so basically- im surviving much better now. thanks for worrying.
i know this post has been disjointed, its my first attempts at writing anything personal in about a month. i havent written in my journal or posted simply because its just been too...much. hard to explain. so forgive this post and chalk it up to the first weeks of school. i do want to paint you a picture of what one of my classes looked like this friday so you can understand my hopefulness...
my 3rd block was out of control. i literally could not talk because of all the side chatter. id had the entire administration in my room, i had kids sent to TOR (time out room) and i'd moved seats around, all to no avail. i DREADED going to this class every day. and then, i refocused (got some kids out of my room who were just too low to be in a normal english class) and BOOM one week of consistency, and i got a class this friday that silent reads beautifully, jokes around with me, and LISTENS. they were so engaged in the lesson and in our reading, it was a beautiful sight. and the girl who was giving me continual attitude and whose parents wanted her out of my class, well, we are finally on somewhat good terms. it can happen! im living proof that you can be an abysmal teacher and still have success. i have to plan an entire unit for my 8th graders right now...and of course i still have to plan lessons for my 7th and 8th graders, all before monday. i need 50 hours in the day.
in non school news, i went on a SWAMP tour yesterday! i saw an alligator in its natural habitiat!! and, i vowed to myself i would NEVER swim in louisiana water (unless it was a very well maintained swimming pool). the water is literally TEEMING with wildlife. i cant believe people actually go into it! the water is dark and it looks like bad black coffee. it was fun and relaxing to be in nature. after our leisurely swamp tour at McGee's landing, we went to Breaux bridge, LA for some ice cream and to sneak a peek at a Bayou (yeah, just very dirty water. looked like chocolate milk). it was an amazing louisiana kind of day. i got to hear unbelievable accents, see the louisiana that is portrayed in movies, and eat some amazing birthday cake ice cream with some pretty great people. well, work is calling...and i must answer. so basically- im surviving much better now. thanks for worrying.
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