on second thought, i probably shouldn't write this post until I am in a better frame of mind. nonetheless, i will persevere and simply state: teaching is hard. and let's be honest, i have an amazing job. (minus the cart. which, has in fact, become somewhat of a curiosity among the staff because of my rules, consequences, and big goal posters written on it. i relish when someone stares at it daily). the administration is fantastic and has everything together. I have veteran teachers who let me take their handouts and copy them. and pester them with questions continually. i have a supportive second year corp member who shares an office with me. i have students that ask me if i'm a vegetarian because I dress "all sunshiny". i have students who ask me, with all seriousness, "ms. sullivan, do you ever take a smile off your face?" and, i have access to a box of paper and a copier that works (for the most part). what should be hard, right?
i am consistently faced with my own failure and my responsibility to these kids. I can't believe that incompetent, unknowledgable me is in charge of teaching these amazing (yet not necessarily on academic track) students to read and write so they can get places in life. Me. it is on MY shoulders. yeah, sure i can read. and i love it. but does that mean i can teach it? does that mean that my lessons every day reflect my love and passion for reading/writing? the answer is a resounding No. in between my days of struggling to keep students on task and quelling no-bathroom privilege mutinies, i am silently praying every day that it will go better tomorrow. my prayers, at this point, are not enough. honestly, i havent been relying on Heavenly Father like i most certainly need to. i feel as though i dont have the time. i dont have the brain power. i am slowly turning to mississippi delta institute brain mush alexandra. my creativity, my passion, my excitement are drained out of my body. in my head i just keep saying the words- friday, friday, friday over and over, like my own personal mantra. and i sit here ashamed. ashamed of myself that i am so excited for a day that doesnt end with me having to scrounge around the bottom of my mind barrel for something to occupy the minds of my 7th graders. im not sure this teaching thing is for me. the tears are starting to slowly come right now. its because i want to just love my kids. i want to talk to them sweetly and i want to smile at them and i want them to feel good about themselves for simply being alive and a kid, and a middle school kid at that. i want to stand at the front of my room, applaud them, and say "i know how hard middle school is!! i was awkward and struggled with friends too!" and i so badly want to yell and scream at them "i love you. i do! id do anything for you!" and yet, here i am at 8:07 pm, dreading facing them again. i'll say it again- im not proud of how im feeeling. im sick and tired of not giving these kids what they need. im hoping that a good night sleep tonight, and a recharging friday of planning and such will put me in higher hopes and will help me to see that in fact, i am competent. that in fact, caring does matter and the kids see it. and that maybe, just maybe, i can help these kids succeed.
i know these ramblings seem desperate and disjointed. well, they are. thats probably a good summation of what im feeling. and what ive been feeling. i have a wise friend who when i minorly complained to her one day said, "well this is your passion isnt it?" it is. i just have to dig down deep and find it again. i want my kids to be ready for the real world. and by george if that means no bathroom breaks and consequences for breaking rules, well then, so be it. for any readers out there....i need the positive vibes. send them my way. please.
must remember- Go forth to serve.
Thursday, August 19
Wednesday, August 4
being an armadillo and other stories.
im sitting on my porch with spencer right now (spencer is our resident gecko). my computer screen is fogging over, and the top of my keyboard is slippery with the humidity. two of my friends just left for their busy days in the real world, and in true shauna sullivan fashion i called, "make good choices!" as they walked away. am i ready to be a mom or what? i've realized that im slowly becoming more and more domestic. interior decorating, baking cupcakes for my roommates and squatters, itching to sew something up...its all hitting me like a ton of bricks. im going to investigate the sewing machine i found in my closet today and see if it is in working order. i have some baby blankets that i need to make before too long here, and plus, its also just super cool to find a sewing machine in ones closet. definitely worth a closer look.
despite my random warblings, actual things are happening in my life. i will be a teacher in exactly one week from now. the weight of the responsibility i feel towards these kids is painful and exciting. the painful because i want everything i'm doing to be so stellar, in order for them to get where they need to go. i want to be for them what my best teachers were for me. they were so formative in my life. and actually, i can point to one teacher specifically who literally changed the course of my life. it was my junior year of high school and of course, my life was status quo. and then, i was introduced to the world by this man who told stories about traveling, and new cultures, and the exotic places he had seen. i was mesmerized. but it was more than that. i finallt knew that i wanted to see the world, and do my part to learn from them, and in turn give them opportunities that i had that they didnt. i never knew that the world existed beyond my own backyard, and i refuse to let my own students have to wait as long as i did. i wonder if i have the capability to actually change someone's life like this teacher did for me. how do you know this? it probably should be some intrinsic confidence, but i cant seem to muster it this week. there are so many things rushing through my head that i cant make sense of any of them and they are going so dang fast that i cant grasp any of them solidly. (i just tried to write a metaphor that was appropriate for this situation. i promptly deleted it because it got to be about a paragraph long and it was about a fisherman.) im working relentlessly to feel on top of my game...luckily i have an amazing team of fellow teachers and a supportive administration who seem to believe that i can do this. my heart literally aches thinking about letting these kids down. ugh. if only i didnt have inadequacies...but regardless of any doubts i may have, i do know one thing. i will love my students like no other teacher has before. i practically smother them with caring. everyone has to have a strength, right?
to change the tone of this particular post...lets focus on the festivities that were last weekend. "La Noche de Tejas" was a screaming success. our dear friend Josh Brown was turning 25 and of course, we wanted to a.) help him have a stellar day and b.) demonstrate our superior party throwing skills. we took his three favorite things and bada bing bada boom, we created this party. everyone dressed up (rule number one for theme parties) and in our foyer, we had our "borrowed" stop sign, a full length mirror, and a sign that read "Before you enter, STOP and evalaute yourself. are you in full costume? if not, please RE EVALUATE and rethink your entry into the party." and i think it actually worked. most everyone had some form of a costume on. our costumes were by far the best, i mean, whats more texas than armadillos? (again, i will never ask the question, why dont i have a boyfriend?) we had a beautiful night full of red velvet cake, tons of texas decorations littering the walls, plenty of dressed up friends, and a marachi rendition of happy birthday. its these moments that im living for in between the waiting for my actual real life to kick in. not sure why but the pictures arent uploading. ill try again later. but to sum up my life right now, it is busy with a twist of anvxiety, with a dash of still no life routine thrown in there. ahhh. drink it up. goes down smooth every time.
despite my random warblings, actual things are happening in my life. i will be a teacher in exactly one week from now. the weight of the responsibility i feel towards these kids is painful and exciting. the painful because i want everything i'm doing to be so stellar, in order for them to get where they need to go. i want to be for them what my best teachers were for me. they were so formative in my life. and actually, i can point to one teacher specifically who literally changed the course of my life. it was my junior year of high school and of course, my life was status quo. and then, i was introduced to the world by this man who told stories about traveling, and new cultures, and the exotic places he had seen. i was mesmerized. but it was more than that. i finallt knew that i wanted to see the world, and do my part to learn from them, and in turn give them opportunities that i had that they didnt. i never knew that the world existed beyond my own backyard, and i refuse to let my own students have to wait as long as i did. i wonder if i have the capability to actually change someone's life like this teacher did for me. how do you know this? it probably should be some intrinsic confidence, but i cant seem to muster it this week. there are so many things rushing through my head that i cant make sense of any of them and they are going so dang fast that i cant grasp any of them solidly. (i just tried to write a metaphor that was appropriate for this situation. i promptly deleted it because it got to be about a paragraph long and it was about a fisherman.) im working relentlessly to feel on top of my game...luckily i have an amazing team of fellow teachers and a supportive administration who seem to believe that i can do this. my heart literally aches thinking about letting these kids down. ugh. if only i didnt have inadequacies...but regardless of any doubts i may have, i do know one thing. i will love my students like no other teacher has before. i practically smother them with caring. everyone has to have a strength, right?
to change the tone of this particular post...lets focus on the festivities that were last weekend. "La Noche de Tejas" was a screaming success. our dear friend Josh Brown was turning 25 and of course, we wanted to a.) help him have a stellar day and b.) demonstrate our superior party throwing skills. we took his three favorite things and bada bing bada boom, we created this party. everyone dressed up (rule number one for theme parties) and in our foyer, we had our "borrowed" stop sign, a full length mirror, and a sign that read "Before you enter, STOP and evalaute yourself. are you in full costume? if not, please RE EVALUATE and rethink your entry into the party." and i think it actually worked. most everyone had some form of a costume on. our costumes were by far the best, i mean, whats more texas than armadillos? (again, i will never ask the question, why dont i have a boyfriend?) we had a beautiful night full of red velvet cake, tons of texas decorations littering the walls, plenty of dressed up friends, and a marachi rendition of happy birthday. its these moments that im living for in between the waiting for my actual real life to kick in. not sure why but the pictures arent uploading. ill try again later. but to sum up my life right now, it is busy with a twist of anvxiety, with a dash of still no life routine thrown in there. ahhh. drink it up. goes down smooth every time.
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