putting out the positive vibes.

on second thought, i probably shouldn't write this post until I am in a better frame of mind. nonetheless, i will persevere and simply state: teaching is hard. and let's be honest, i have an amazing job. (minus the cart. which, has in fact, become somewhat of a curiosity among the staff because of my rules, consequences, and big goal posters written on it. i relish when someone stares at it daily). the administration is fantastic and has everything together. I have veteran teachers who let me take their handouts and copy them. and pester them with questions continually. i have a supportive second year corp member who shares an office with me. i have students that ask me if i'm a vegetarian because I dress "all sunshiny". i have students who ask me, with all seriousness, "ms. sullivan, do you ever take a smile off your face?" and, i have access to a box of paper and a copier that works (for the most part). what should be hard, right?

i am consistently faced with my own failure and my responsibility to these kids. I can't believe that incompetent, unknowledgable me is in charge of teaching these amazing (yet not necessarily on academic track) students to read and write so they can get places in life. Me. it is on MY shoulders. yeah, sure i can read. and i love it. but does that mean i can teach it? does that mean that my lessons every day reflect my love and passion for reading/writing? the answer is a resounding No. in between my days of struggling to keep students on task and quelling no-bathroom privilege mutinies, i am silently praying every day that it will go better tomorrow. my prayers, at this point, are not enough. honestly, i havent been relying on Heavenly Father like i most certainly need to. i feel as though i dont have the time. i dont have the brain power. i am slowly turning to mississippi delta institute brain mush alexandra. my creativity, my passion, my excitement are drained out of my body. in my head i just keep saying the words- friday, friday, friday over and over, like my own personal mantra. and i sit here ashamed. ashamed of myself that i am so excited for a day that doesnt end with me having to scrounge around the bottom of my mind barrel for something to occupy the minds of my 7th graders. im not sure this teaching thing is for me. the tears are starting to slowly come right now. its because i want to just love my kids. i want to talk to them sweetly and i want to smile at them and i want them to feel good about themselves for simply being alive and a kid, and a middle school kid at that. i want to stand at the front of my room, applaud them, and say "i know how hard middle school is!! i was awkward and struggled with friends too!" and i so badly want to yell and scream at them "i love you. i do! id do anything for you!" and yet, here i am at 8:07 pm, dreading facing them again. i'll say it again- im not proud of how im feeeling. im sick and tired of not giving these kids what they need. im hoping that a good night sleep tonight, and a recharging friday of planning and such will put me in higher hopes and will help me to see that in fact, i am competent. that in fact, caring does matter and the kids see it. and that maybe, just maybe, i can help these kids succeed.

i know these ramblings seem desperate and disjointed. well, they are. thats probably a good summation of what im feeling. and what ive been feeling. i have a wise friend who when i minorly complained to her one day said, "well this is your passion isnt it?" it is. i just have to dig down deep and find it again. i want my kids to be ready for the real world. and by george if that means no bathroom breaks and consequences for breaking rules, well then, so be it. for any readers out there....i need the positive vibes. send them my way. please.

must remember- Go forth to serve.