it's finally time.

i realize how incredibly long it has been since i've shared anything with the cyber world about my status as a first year teacher. well, your wait is finally over. i am slowly and surely starting to come to an amazing place in my life. surely, it has been absolutely hellacious, but there is finally some light at the end of that tunnel. i wake up between 4:45-5:00 am every morning, try to force food down my throat, and am at school by about 5:45/6ish, ready for a new day of working. then, i'm "on duty" until the end of homeroom/1st block. this just means i could be called upon to cover for a missing teacher, but usually it just means i get a half an hour more of work time. then, until my 3rd block, i have my "planning period". this could only be described as me scrambling furiously to get everything ready for the day and steeling myself for the next 5 hours of teaching. its exhausting. and even just thinking about it still kind of gives me that nervous pit in my stomach. but at least now my stomach isn't aching with dread, more or less just the nervous jitters. my daily routine aside, i've really been seeing such a change in my life in the last week or so. no more tears (well...less tears. and usually these are tears now of me just wanting something so badly for my students), finally actually teaching, and a lot more joy in the classroom. i LOVE my students. LOVE them. yes, they get on my nerves, especially in the moment when they are absolutely not paying attention and then talking to their neighbor, or getting out of their seat, or obnoxiously tapping their pencil against their hard plastic desks (i have one very sweet student who just can NOT hold still and his tapping/noisemaking is at epic levels. note to self: see if i can give him something else to tap that makes no noise).there is not a student that i do not like. and i want so badly for them to know that i do care about them so so so much. i'm just ADD in the classroom and can't even focus on anything for more than 5 seconds, especially if I'm trying to teach. its terrible. and, i cant hear. which just adds to the chaos when i dont hear someone say something inappropriate to someone else, and all i hear is the reaction. its a bit troubling.
i know this post has been disjointed, its my first attempts at writing anything personal in about a month. i havent written in my journal or posted simply because its just been too...much. hard to explain. so forgive this post and chalk it up to the first weeks of school. i do want to paint you a picture of what one of my classes looked like this friday so you can understand my hopefulness...
my 3rd block was out of control. i literally could not talk because of all the side chatter. id had the entire administration in my room, i had kids sent to TOR (time out room) and i'd moved seats around, all to no avail. i DREADED going to this class every day. and then, i refocused (got some kids out of my room who were just too low to be in a normal english class) and BOOM one week of consistency, and i got a class this friday that silent reads beautifully, jokes around with me, and LISTENS. they were so engaged in the lesson and in our reading, it was a beautiful sight. and the girl who was giving me continual attitude and whose parents wanted her out of my class, well, we are finally on somewhat good terms. it can happen! im living proof that you can be an abysmal teacher and still have success. i have to plan an entire unit for my 8th graders right now...and of course i still have to plan lessons for my 7th and 8th graders, all before monday. i need 50 hours in the day.
in non school news, i went on a SWAMP tour yesterday! i saw an alligator in its natural habitiat!! and, i vowed to myself i would NEVER swim in louisiana water (unless it was a very well maintained swimming pool). the water is literally TEEMING with wildlife. i cant believe people actually go into it! the water is dark and it looks like bad black coffee. it was fun and relaxing to be in nature. after our leisurely swamp tour at McGee's landing, we went to Breaux bridge, LA for some ice cream and to sneak a peek at a Bayou (yeah, just very dirty water. looked like chocolate milk). it was an amazing louisiana kind of day. i got to hear unbelievable accents, see the louisiana that is portrayed in movies, and eat some amazing birthday cake ice cream with some pretty great people. well, work is calling...and i must answer. so basically- im surviving much better now. thanks for worrying.