resident baker.

"man ms. sullivan, i wish my momma could bake like you." yep. i was told this about 17 hundred times today. thank you, nestle tollhouse cookie dough bucket. i baked my students cookies. i broke. and the results were stellar (my 4th block likes to mimic my usage of the word stellar. boogers.) my 3rd block is full of superstars. we had a class discussion about what went well this week and the phrase, "we actually learned because we were quiet" literally came out of the mouth of my little sassafras. they UNDERSTOOD that i could teach if they got their act together. what a concept. but it was beautiful day. it made me so happy. my 3rd block has become this organism that is positive, the students love the class, are passing their quizzes, and tell me how much they love me. i had my first day of job satisfaction. and it was wonderful.

so many good adjectives describe today. i still had to break my 4th block (im training them. literally. they sat on the floor in the hallway today to use the bathroom. yep. the floor. because they can't handle standing. i took a perverse pleasure in it today. "ms. sullivan, this floor be nasty! we too old for this" my response- a smarmy look and a "really? lets think about your behavior yesterday...")

i had a meeting regarding my 8th graders with someone from the district. and we both decided that the 8th grade curriculum was a little out of our reach. so im creating a new curriculum that is going to prepare my babies for passing the LEAP test and setting them up for actual success in their futures. i have a 16 year old 8th grader who I just adore because today he said, "ms. sullivan, i do the most work in your class" and i had someone earlier in the day joke about how often this student would sleep in all his other classes. job satisfaction encapsulated.

im worn out. and currently baking a white cake with white frosting for my dear friend goolia's faux birthday shindig tonight. my frosting is delicious, but i do have a request in for an oven that actually bakes things instead of scorching them. that and a sewing machine would pretty much complete my life at this point.

and i just realized i can make my hair look like justin beibers. sick.

tired, exhausted, and very full.

i just ate a blooming onion from Outback to-go. yep, it is now official that I am the most disgusting grease receptacle on the planet. today was a better day than yesterday, but still just fine. fine is probably the perfect way to describe my classroom and the way things are going. yesterday, all hell broke loose in 4th block. literally. i ended up just teaching to the students that were paying attention. and so it is.

my life is still settling. my room is constantly a disaster area, my papers are all over the place, and organization...well, thats a thing of the past. but small victories- i no longer raise my voice at all in the classroom. perhaps that is to my detriment, but well, if i can teach a kid that yelling and anger doesnt get you anywhere, then thats a complete win for me. i was talking with my roommate today about how our students are going to be adults one day. and if they can talk to us with such blatant disrespect, then they will be adults that will talk with blatant disrespect. the job of "teacher" is so absolutely vital. i mean, i see these kids more than their parents do in some cases! when all is said and done, i just wish i could love these kids into doing what i need them to do. i mean, is 90 minutes of quiet too much to ask? is keeping your head off your desk too much? is writing a complete sentence too much? im just...torn. and i am torn in oh so many directions.

ive taken too many breaks already today. i got my best friend's brand new beautiful miracle baby a present today. buying presents makes me feel like a worthwhile person. it has to be something that validates me, and i guess this is the way ive chosen. i wish i felt closer to life's little miracles (or huge miracles, rather). Heavenly Father truly blesses His children. we simply need to stop, take a deep breath, and realize it. as an instructor of highly malleable teenagers, ive become so jaded at the world. i want to press the stop button, and reprogram the way our society is devolving because thats what it is doing. devolving. our kids are suffering for it.

i have some funny (and not so funny) stories, but insitute calls. be grateful for those blessings in your lives that you recognize, and work hard to recognize the ones you dont already see. im trying...

it's finally time.

i realize how incredibly long it has been since i've shared anything with the cyber world about my status as a first year teacher. well, your wait is finally over. i am slowly and surely starting to come to an amazing place in my life. surely, it has been absolutely hellacious, but there is finally some light at the end of that tunnel. i wake up between 4:45-5:00 am every morning, try to force food down my throat, and am at school by about 5:45/6ish, ready for a new day of working. then, i'm "on duty" until the end of homeroom/1st block. this just means i could be called upon to cover for a missing teacher, but usually it just means i get a half an hour more of work time. then, until my 3rd block, i have my "planning period". this could only be described as me scrambling furiously to get everything ready for the day and steeling myself for the next 5 hours of teaching. its exhausting. and even just thinking about it still kind of gives me that nervous pit in my stomach. but at least now my stomach isn't aching with dread, more or less just the nervous jitters. my daily routine aside, i've really been seeing such a change in my life in the last week or so. no more tears (well...less tears. and usually these are tears now of me just wanting something so badly for my students), finally actually teaching, and a lot more joy in the classroom. i LOVE my students. LOVE them. yes, they get on my nerves, especially in the moment when they are absolutely not paying attention and then talking to their neighbor, or getting out of their seat, or obnoxiously tapping their pencil against their hard plastic desks (i have one very sweet student who just can NOT hold still and his tapping/noisemaking is at epic levels. note to self: see if i can give him something else to tap that makes no noise).there is not a student that i do not like. and i want so badly for them to know that i do care about them so so so much. i'm just ADD in the classroom and can't even focus on anything for more than 5 seconds, especially if I'm trying to teach. its terrible. and, i cant hear. which just adds to the chaos when i dont hear someone say something inappropriate to someone else, and all i hear is the reaction. its a bit troubling.
i know this post has been disjointed, its my first attempts at writing anything personal in about a month. i havent written in my journal or posted simply because its just been too...much. hard to explain. so forgive this post and chalk it up to the first weeks of school. i do want to paint you a picture of what one of my classes looked like this friday so you can understand my hopefulness...
my 3rd block was out of control. i literally could not talk because of all the side chatter. id had the entire administration in my room, i had kids sent to TOR (time out room) and i'd moved seats around, all to no avail. i DREADED going to this class every day. and then, i refocused (got some kids out of my room who were just too low to be in a normal english class) and BOOM one week of consistency, and i got a class this friday that silent reads beautifully, jokes around with me, and LISTENS. they were so engaged in the lesson and in our reading, it was a beautiful sight. and the girl who was giving me continual attitude and whose parents wanted her out of my class, well, we are finally on somewhat good terms. it can happen! im living proof that you can be an abysmal teacher and still have success. i have to plan an entire unit for my 8th graders right now...and of course i still have to plan lessons for my 7th and 8th graders, all before monday. i need 50 hours in the day.
in non school news, i went on a SWAMP tour yesterday! i saw an alligator in its natural habitiat!! and, i vowed to myself i would NEVER swim in louisiana water (unless it was a very well maintained swimming pool). the water is literally TEEMING with wildlife. i cant believe people actually go into it! the water is dark and it looks like bad black coffee. it was fun and relaxing to be in nature. after our leisurely swamp tour at McGee's landing, we went to Breaux bridge, LA for some ice cream and to sneak a peek at a Bayou (yeah, just very dirty water. looked like chocolate milk). it was an amazing louisiana kind of day. i got to hear unbelievable accents, see the louisiana that is portrayed in movies, and eat some amazing birthday cake ice cream with some pretty great people. well, work is calling...and i must answer. so basically- im surviving much better now. thanks for worrying.