halloween eve.

i am writing from the comfort of my newly decorate and rearranged room (thanks mom). it is like a dream in here. well, a dream and a freezer. the temperature in our house has fluctuated from a balmy 90 to a freezing 60 in the span of 3 days. one of the joys of louisiana. the funny thing is, when i got dressed this morning (hurriedly and in the bathroom after my incredibly steamy shower) I dressed for the temperature of the house (i.e. plaid, wool duster, and boots) and not the temperature it was outside (maybe, maybe a light jacket and capri kind of weather). and so it goes down here in the south.
here's whats been going on in my life these days. i am teaching around 80 wonderful children. they usually don't pay attention to a word i say, they write hate messages about me on the bathroom wall (in sharpie!!) don't take anything i say seriously, undermine my credibility with my colleagues, and inspire folklore among substitutes. ha. my students have such personalities. they really are the biggest joys and at the same time the biggest pains. we are getting there. sometimes my class actually feels like a classroom, with learning and student investment. those days are few and far between, if i'm honest. but, they have happened. case in point- friday we took the edusoft unit tests. on thursday we had discussed what we got on our last test (not so high of a percentage) and i made some bold promises if we got our class averages up. they participated in the discussion actively, and told me what they were going to differently this time around and why they wanted to. it made me happy. but here is the REAL good part. 3rd block came into the room (quietly, mind you) took out their pencils, and got right to work. and one of my students who is quite the pill would get off task a little bit, i'd give her my little teacher look and motion for her to look back at her paper, and she would whisper under her breath "ice cream, ice cream, think about the ice cream" (and this is because i promised the kiddos ice cream sundaes if we got a certain percentage). it made me smile. also made me smile- my "trick or treat" testing idea. i had my lovely students decorate white paper bags and every 5 minutes they were focusing during the test, they got an obscene amount of candy. by the time 5th block rolled around, word of the candy had spread. however, remind me NEVER to give my students candy at the end of the day. they were BONKERS. and they even said "can you bring the fun ms. sullivan back?" ha. absolutely not is my response to that.
this week we start our poetry units. havent planned a darn thing. its like i sit down at my computer and i get sucked into this time warp where im working, however, nothing gets done. any teachers who can commiserate with me? and/or tell me how to solve this massive problem? teaching is exhausting. i dont have the strength to plan my life and to do normal things like go to the gym and do service and do all of the church stuff that i need to. this job has taken a lot from me. and im slowly trying to take it all back. ahhh dashboard just came on my pandora station. it goes down smooth every time. takes me right back to freshman year of college. and then sophomore year. and then, showers junior year at old academy. i realized that my memory is incredibly tied to music. i find myself saying "this song takes me right back to..." for instance, today at CPK "1,2,3,4" by Feist was on the radio. and it took me right back to halloween of sophomore year where i went on a blind date to a haunted house. and the guy was absolutely not interested. awkward.
i have another new calling. not only am i a relief society teacher (which i love, love, love) but i was recently called as the sunday school secretary. i have no idea what that even means. and i as im writing this i just remembered that i was supposed to go to a training meeting today. CRAP. there i go, not fulfililng my calling already.
i decided that 75% of my problems here in louisiana stem from homesickness. i miss my family too much. its the worse when i wake up in the mornings and on my drive to school. its a lonely, lonely and dark time. and its all compounded by failing at my job consistently. and being absolutely STUCK here. cant fly when i want too because its too freaking expensive and cant drive because its 30 hours. very unsettling. i miss my family. said it, meant it. i simply want to be a part of their lives. i want to help my cousins- people that actually NEED me. to be known personally is such a blessing as well, you take it for granted when you are around people you've known for years. everyone out here i've know for 5 months at the longest. and that is simply not enough time. when my mom was here, it was so nice to just be able to sit in comfortable silence and just know that she got me. ugh. i sound so angsty and teenagery. im getting better, but this experience has made me appreciate the fam that much more. and cue the biological clock to start ticking. there is absolutely zero chance of me finding anyone to date/marry out here. and let's be honest, im going to be a great wife and mom. i see my coworkers with their kids or hear them talk about their kids and families and it makes my heart melt for that. it took me moving thousands of miles to realize that id be happy in a domestic suburban situation (slightly modified to be socially responsible of course). so, if you know of any single, straight, somewhat good looking, intelligent, funny males between the ages of 23-32, send 'em my way. i was thinking to myself "hmm..maybe i should have never left utah" and then i thought to myself directly after that, "oh, ha, that's right- i had absolutely no good dating experiences in provo." and then right after that, "ha ha ha ha...summer sales. belmont...dance parties. scenester indie kids who i was never cool enough to be. yeah...at least now i can blame there being no options for my date-free life." it seems like a fair trade off.
so, like i said, im slowly reclaiming my life. im performing all of my church duties (barring the meeting i missed today- sorry church peeps), im reading not one but TWO books for pleasure (the biography of alexander hamilton and the birth of venus), going to the gym, budgeting, rediscovering my love of 80s music, and obsessing over very little things like dyeing my hair blonde again. i may be mildly girl crushing on carey mulligan (of An Eductation fame; see October vogue cover) and her growing out short haircut. im bringing back the blonde.
im trying my hardest to be happy. this is a tough situation. and i thought that i would handle it a lot better, but this is how it is panning out, and thats okay. im not going to be saving the world this year, but im learning a lot about myself and the way the world works. and i realize what is important in life with a clarity that i never thought i would have until i was much older. fact remains- im a real adult now, although my behavior would probably indicate otherwise. but cut me some slack- im new to this whole adult thing.
if my life could be summed up in one word right now it would be TRYING. trying to be better, trying to help people, trying to make this feel like my real life. its a tough job, but i guess i have to do it. (and lets be honest, new order has some AMAZING 80s jams that make everything better. im a pretty happy camper for blogging at 8:52 pm on a Saturday night when i should be dressed up and hosting a halloween party).
trick or treat:)