day 5.

This day, that i have simultaneously been dreading and super excited for, finally came. i halfway cried myself to sleep last night just thinking about what i had to do today. at this point, the super, super hard part of actually getting to the hotel and going to the welcome session, is finally over. i walked into the hotel lobby (dripping sweat, but with curls in tact because my mom had made me use more hairspray this morning than i usually do in a whole week) and it was swarming with TFA members with their name tags and binders. i struck up a conversation with a professional looking girl. i introduced myself to another person. i smiled at a few more. then, we made our way to our tables. i tried to be friendly, tried to strike up conversations. as i sit here typing, i think it is important that when i meet people, i do it genuinely. i need to really try to get to know them, to be interested, learn to love people for their diversity. i need to focus outside of myself, and not stay so painfully cooped up inside my own head.
the afternoon was spent with in me my first business casual outfit of my career (I went with the ann taylor khaki pencil skirt, soft green tank with fun embelleshments, and a thin light brown cardigan, complete with my new yellow flats from target). Please see the above photo for a picture of my crazy curly do. We were in the conference room at the hotel for around 5 hours, talking about the core values of TFA, some basic area history, and generally getting to know one another. I made myself volunteer to talk (in hindsight, I most certainly should not have) and I would get red in the face, repeat phrases, and all in all, sound like a complete moron. Not so confidence building. I feel like ive never really been able to market myself like other people can. Who am i? I feel like I can answer that question, but to the world, the answer isn’t sufficient. For example, I thought it would be funny during one of ice breaker games to answer the question “If you could go to lunch with any famous/historical/dead or alive person, who would you choose?” by saying Zach Morris. That fictional character is my soul mate, but should I have shared that when other people are saying things like this random philosopher turned nazi whose name I can’t even remember or a really avant garde artist? Oh, the regrets are mounting by the minute. I still cant believe im here, doing this. When I get all tangled up inside over the fact that my family and friends are 2000 miles away and im jobless, homeless, and have a suit that is inappropriate for any interview unless its in the bedroom, I have to remember that im here for a good reason. At the end of the day, its how I help the kids I get to teach. Educating young minds is the reason im here. Adventure, resume padding, and furthering my education need to take a backseat to the more important issues. It isn’t about me. Im just reiterating things at this point, but im getting a heavy dose of reality today. I want to make this life for myself that im not in the position to do at the moment. I obviously need to grow in so many ways (or else this would be a way easier experience). I need a swift kick in the pants to get myself into gear and be a CHANGE AGENT. I think that from my new vantage point in the real world (ah! Im in the dreaded real world!) that there have been many change agents in my own life, with my mother being at the top of the list. I miss her so much. I couldn’t even tell you specific things about her, except I know that it is because of her unconditional love and support that I am where I am today. She is my best friend in the entire world. I challenge myself (and whoever bothers to read this) to be a change agent. Make someone’s life better because you are in it. I think it is my life work to figure out how to do this adequately, because I don’t think ive really ever been able to succeed on this front. But that doesn’t mean ill stop trying!
Shifting the train of thought, ive realized how lonely the real world is. Its all on me now. And the beauty and the terror of it is that I can do whatever I want and I don’t have to be social sally to be happy or feel content. But, because I feel empowered to be a mature woman and stay in with a book if I want to, I feel like I may fall into an anti social trap. No sir. I refuse. But as I told my mom today, im so tired of stretching beyond my comfort zone! Does life ever just feel comfortable? Ugh I hate freakin character building! Haha, well im only half kidding because this is a hard thing for me. Lets not discourage now, I realize that the tone of this post has been overtly depressing. Im not crying, im excited to teach, and I have a diet coke in my system now. Im being patient, and in case patience doesn’t work, im actually going out to the social events after dinner tonight. How does one even be social? I think that is a valid question after 5 weeks of being home and hanging out with little kiddies all the time. We are going to a sports bar to watch the laker-celtic game. Im going to have to pretend to be an ardent fan in order to have topics of conversation with people. Im not above this type of behavior in the slightest. Im going to check ESPN.com right now to refresh on the stats…