June 2nd.

This is a list of things that I did today:
organized my closets and bins of clothes
hung curtains
screwed things to the wall (with an electric drill, no less)
received my lovely couch
painted my bedroom
got the last of my things from Tulip
trained margaret to never play with my curtains AGAIN
drenched my mattress in ammonia to try and get rid of the cat urine/feces smell
visited with a friend
went to walmart (yet again)
made a delicious dinner (thank you Whole Foods for your delicious rosemary sourdough bread)
researched what i want to be when i grow up
watched the classic "roman holiday" (honestly...not a fan. i know, i know. blasphemy)
about 500 loads of laundry
tried to relax
contemplated moving back home
watch margaret climb on top of the books inside of my bookshelf

this morning, i awoke to cat feces smeared (and stuck to) my calf. in my blind rage, i rolled onto my back where I was greeted by the cool sensation of cat urine soaking into my pjs. needless to say, i called my mom at 6:30 am claiming "emergency". today has been a day of a lot of work and a lot of rest. i'm obsessed with my couch (i won't even sit directly on it. i was cringing inside when my roommate came to visit and she sat crosslegged on it. gasp.) and im obsessed with little margaret. maggie loves to lay on her back and lay next to me, but never touching. i wonder if margaret is secretly a male, because i'm pretty sure anything male likes to keep its distance from me.
in serious news, i found two HUMONGOUS cockroaches underneath my bed. dead, luckily, but margaret still looooved to play with them. i was dry heaving as i batted her away from them. but in really serious news, i do not know what to do with myself. im trying to be this happy, upbeat, ambitious, loving, etc. etc. person, but all i feel is this haunting loneliness. loneliness and the nagging feeling that I am not doing my part in this earth life. it is hard for me to believe that Heavenly Father is happy with what I've accomplished, because i'm not even sure what that is. i feel like my life is absolutely centered around myself. I have a beautiful (well, adorable is probably a more accurate term) apartment that is furnished, i have an amazon credit card to buy things with (haha), i have family members that care about me, i have wonderful friends who actually see me as an important part of their lives, and yet...something is missing. i feel like a.) i'm not deserving of the good things in life and b.) there is something that i am supposed to be doing or working towards and i don't know what it is. frustration, frustration. i want to be something that i am inherently not, i suppose. tonight, i had a phone conversation with someone who told me, "you don't need to go to harvard or stanford [these schools are used in both the literal and metaphorical sense; harvard and stanford are just stand ins for "doing big things"] to help people" and fundamentally, i agree with that statement. but why is it that i'm not one of the people who does these things? i think people who dream big make the big things happen. im not even sure what im dreaming for anymore.
yes, yes i know what you are thinking. lost again, alexandra? and to that i say, as always. i like to think that i dont sit around and wait for life to happen to me, i make things happen. i apply to things constantly, i email people with questions, i do things for my friends, i try to be the best sister/daughter/cousin/niece i can, and still this gnawing on my insides. i can never really articulate this to people, even those im close to. i dont understand this. all i want to is to help other people and to be the kind of person that i would want to marry.
that is a whole other story...the person i want to marry is literally amazing. and although he is completely hypothetical at this point, he already beats me in the coolness game. how will i ever compare? and yes, i do realize that this kind of discussion can be tiresome and unnecessary, but it is what i think about, what worries me. ugh. for one more night, ill be alone pondering the meaning of it all. at least ill be doing it on my new couch (bed still soaking in ammonia, thanks mags) with my little critter next to me and whole package of walmart brand candy chip cookies.