halloween eve.

i am writing from the comfort of my newly decorate and rearranged room (thanks mom). it is like a dream in here. well, a dream and a freezer. the temperature in our house has fluctuated from a balmy 90 to a freezing 60 in the span of 3 days. one of the joys of louisiana. the funny thing is, when i got dressed this morning (hurriedly and in the bathroom after my incredibly steamy shower) I dressed for the temperature of the house (i.e. plaid, wool duster, and boots) and not the temperature it was outside (maybe, maybe a light jacket and capri kind of weather). and so it goes down here in the south.
here's whats been going on in my life these days. i am teaching around 80 wonderful children. they usually don't pay attention to a word i say, they write hate messages about me on the bathroom wall (in sharpie!!) don't take anything i say seriously, undermine my credibility with my colleagues, and inspire folklore among substitutes. ha. my students have such personalities. they really are the biggest joys and at the same time the biggest pains. we are getting there. sometimes my class actually feels like a classroom, with learning and student investment. those days are few and far between, if i'm honest. but, they have happened. case in point- friday we took the edusoft unit tests. on thursday we had discussed what we got on our last test (not so high of a percentage) and i made some bold promises if we got our class averages up. they participated in the discussion actively, and told me what they were going to differently this time around and why they wanted to. it made me happy. but here is the REAL good part. 3rd block came into the room (quietly, mind you) took out their pencils, and got right to work. and one of my students who is quite the pill would get off task a little bit, i'd give her my little teacher look and motion for her to look back at her paper, and she would whisper under her breath "ice cream, ice cream, think about the ice cream" (and this is because i promised the kiddos ice cream sundaes if we got a certain percentage). it made me smile. also made me smile- my "trick or treat" testing idea. i had my lovely students decorate white paper bags and every 5 minutes they were focusing during the test, they got an obscene amount of candy. by the time 5th block rolled around, word of the candy had spread. however, remind me NEVER to give my students candy at the end of the day. they were BONKERS. and they even said "can you bring the fun ms. sullivan back?" ha. absolutely not is my response to that.
this week we start our poetry units. havent planned a darn thing. its like i sit down at my computer and i get sucked into this time warp where im working, however, nothing gets done. any teachers who can commiserate with me? and/or tell me how to solve this massive problem? teaching is exhausting. i dont have the strength to plan my life and to do normal things like go to the gym and do service and do all of the church stuff that i need to. this job has taken a lot from me. and im slowly trying to take it all back. ahhh dashboard just came on my pandora station. it goes down smooth every time. takes me right back to freshman year of college. and then sophomore year. and then, showers junior year at old academy. i realized that my memory is incredibly tied to music. i find myself saying "this song takes me right back to..." for instance, today at CPK "1,2,3,4" by Feist was on the radio. and it took me right back to halloween of sophomore year where i went on a blind date to a haunted house. and the guy was absolutely not interested. awkward.
i have another new calling. not only am i a relief society teacher (which i love, love, love) but i was recently called as the sunday school secretary. i have no idea what that even means. and i as im writing this i just remembered that i was supposed to go to a training meeting today. CRAP. there i go, not fulfililng my calling already.
i decided that 75% of my problems here in louisiana stem from homesickness. i miss my family too much. its the worse when i wake up in the mornings and on my drive to school. its a lonely, lonely and dark time. and its all compounded by failing at my job consistently. and being absolutely STUCK here. cant fly when i want too because its too freaking expensive and cant drive because its 30 hours. very unsettling. i miss my family. said it, meant it. i simply want to be a part of their lives. i want to help my cousins- people that actually NEED me. to be known personally is such a blessing as well, you take it for granted when you are around people you've known for years. everyone out here i've know for 5 months at the longest. and that is simply not enough time. when my mom was here, it was so nice to just be able to sit in comfortable silence and just know that she got me. ugh. i sound so angsty and teenagery. im getting better, but this experience has made me appreciate the fam that much more. and cue the biological clock to start ticking. there is absolutely zero chance of me finding anyone to date/marry out here. and let's be honest, im going to be a great wife and mom. i see my coworkers with their kids or hear them talk about their kids and families and it makes my heart melt for that. it took me moving thousands of miles to realize that id be happy in a domestic suburban situation (slightly modified to be socially responsible of course). so, if you know of any single, straight, somewhat good looking, intelligent, funny males between the ages of 23-32, send 'em my way. i was thinking to myself "hmm..maybe i should have never left utah" and then i thought to myself directly after that, "oh, ha, that's right- i had absolutely no good dating experiences in provo." and then right after that, "ha ha ha ha...summer sales. belmont...dance parties. scenester indie kids who i was never cool enough to be. yeah...at least now i can blame there being no options for my date-free life." it seems like a fair trade off.
so, like i said, im slowly reclaiming my life. im performing all of my church duties (barring the meeting i missed today- sorry church peeps), im reading not one but TWO books for pleasure (the biography of alexander hamilton and the birth of venus), going to the gym, budgeting, rediscovering my love of 80s music, and obsessing over very little things like dyeing my hair blonde again. i may be mildly girl crushing on carey mulligan (of An Eductation fame; see October vogue cover) and her growing out short haircut. im bringing back the blonde.
im trying my hardest to be happy. this is a tough situation. and i thought that i would handle it a lot better, but this is how it is panning out, and thats okay. im not going to be saving the world this year, but im learning a lot about myself and the way the world works. and i realize what is important in life with a clarity that i never thought i would have until i was much older. fact remains- im a real adult now, although my behavior would probably indicate otherwise. but cut me some slack- im new to this whole adult thing.
if my life could be summed up in one word right now it would be TRYING. trying to be better, trying to help people, trying to make this feel like my real life. its a tough job, but i guess i have to do it. (and lets be honest, new order has some AMAZING 80s jams that make everything better. im a pretty happy camper for blogging at 8:52 pm on a Saturday night when i should be dressed up and hosting a halloween party).
trick or treat:)

resident baker.

"man ms. sullivan, i wish my momma could bake like you." yep. i was told this about 17 hundred times today. thank you, nestle tollhouse cookie dough bucket. i baked my students cookies. i broke. and the results were stellar (my 4th block likes to mimic my usage of the word stellar. boogers.) my 3rd block is full of superstars. we had a class discussion about what went well this week and the phrase, "we actually learned because we were quiet" literally came out of the mouth of my little sassafras. they UNDERSTOOD that i could teach if they got their act together. what a concept. but it was beautiful day. it made me so happy. my 3rd block has become this organism that is positive, the students love the class, are passing their quizzes, and tell me how much they love me. i had my first day of job satisfaction. and it was wonderful.

so many good adjectives describe today. i still had to break my 4th block (im training them. literally. they sat on the floor in the hallway today to use the bathroom. yep. the floor. because they can't handle standing. i took a perverse pleasure in it today. "ms. sullivan, this floor be nasty! we too old for this" my response- a smarmy look and a "really? lets think about your behavior yesterday...")

i had a meeting regarding my 8th graders with someone from the district. and we both decided that the 8th grade curriculum was a little out of our reach. so im creating a new curriculum that is going to prepare my babies for passing the LEAP test and setting them up for actual success in their futures. i have a 16 year old 8th grader who I just adore because today he said, "ms. sullivan, i do the most work in your class" and i had someone earlier in the day joke about how often this student would sleep in all his other classes. job satisfaction encapsulated.

im worn out. and currently baking a white cake with white frosting for my dear friend goolia's faux birthday shindig tonight. my frosting is delicious, but i do have a request in for an oven that actually bakes things instead of scorching them. that and a sewing machine would pretty much complete my life at this point.

and i just realized i can make my hair look like justin beibers. sick.

tired, exhausted, and very full.

i just ate a blooming onion from Outback to-go. yep, it is now official that I am the most disgusting grease receptacle on the planet. today was a better day than yesterday, but still just fine. fine is probably the perfect way to describe my classroom and the way things are going. yesterday, all hell broke loose in 4th block. literally. i ended up just teaching to the students that were paying attention. and so it is.

my life is still settling. my room is constantly a disaster area, my papers are all over the place, and organization...well, thats a thing of the past. but small victories- i no longer raise my voice at all in the classroom. perhaps that is to my detriment, but well, if i can teach a kid that yelling and anger doesnt get you anywhere, then thats a complete win for me. i was talking with my roommate today about how our students are going to be adults one day. and if they can talk to us with such blatant disrespect, then they will be adults that will talk with blatant disrespect. the job of "teacher" is so absolutely vital. i mean, i see these kids more than their parents do in some cases! when all is said and done, i just wish i could love these kids into doing what i need them to do. i mean, is 90 minutes of quiet too much to ask? is keeping your head off your desk too much? is writing a complete sentence too much? im just...torn. and i am torn in oh so many directions.

ive taken too many breaks already today. i got my best friend's brand new beautiful miracle baby a present today. buying presents makes me feel like a worthwhile person. it has to be something that validates me, and i guess this is the way ive chosen. i wish i felt closer to life's little miracles (or huge miracles, rather). Heavenly Father truly blesses His children. we simply need to stop, take a deep breath, and realize it. as an instructor of highly malleable teenagers, ive become so jaded at the world. i want to press the stop button, and reprogram the way our society is devolving because thats what it is doing. devolving. our kids are suffering for it.

i have some funny (and not so funny) stories, but insitute calls. be grateful for those blessings in your lives that you recognize, and work hard to recognize the ones you dont already see. im trying...

it's finally time.

i realize how incredibly long it has been since i've shared anything with the cyber world about my status as a first year teacher. well, your wait is finally over. i am slowly and surely starting to come to an amazing place in my life. surely, it has been absolutely hellacious, but there is finally some light at the end of that tunnel. i wake up between 4:45-5:00 am every morning, try to force food down my throat, and am at school by about 5:45/6ish, ready for a new day of working. then, i'm "on duty" until the end of homeroom/1st block. this just means i could be called upon to cover for a missing teacher, but usually it just means i get a half an hour more of work time. then, until my 3rd block, i have my "planning period". this could only be described as me scrambling furiously to get everything ready for the day and steeling myself for the next 5 hours of teaching. its exhausting. and even just thinking about it still kind of gives me that nervous pit in my stomach. but at least now my stomach isn't aching with dread, more or less just the nervous jitters. my daily routine aside, i've really been seeing such a change in my life in the last week or so. no more tears (well...less tears. and usually these are tears now of me just wanting something so badly for my students), finally actually teaching, and a lot more joy in the classroom. i LOVE my students. LOVE them. yes, they get on my nerves, especially in the moment when they are absolutely not paying attention and then talking to their neighbor, or getting out of their seat, or obnoxiously tapping their pencil against their hard plastic desks (i have one very sweet student who just can NOT hold still and his tapping/noisemaking is at epic levels. note to self: see if i can give him something else to tap that makes no noise).there is not a student that i do not like. and i want so badly for them to know that i do care about them so so so much. i'm just ADD in the classroom and can't even focus on anything for more than 5 seconds, especially if I'm trying to teach. its terrible. and, i cant hear. which just adds to the chaos when i dont hear someone say something inappropriate to someone else, and all i hear is the reaction. its a bit troubling.
i know this post has been disjointed, its my first attempts at writing anything personal in about a month. i havent written in my journal or posted simply because its just been too...much. hard to explain. so forgive this post and chalk it up to the first weeks of school. i do want to paint you a picture of what one of my classes looked like this friday so you can understand my hopefulness...
my 3rd block was out of control. i literally could not talk because of all the side chatter. id had the entire administration in my room, i had kids sent to TOR (time out room) and i'd moved seats around, all to no avail. i DREADED going to this class every day. and then, i refocused (got some kids out of my room who were just too low to be in a normal english class) and BOOM one week of consistency, and i got a class this friday that silent reads beautifully, jokes around with me, and LISTENS. they were so engaged in the lesson and in our reading, it was a beautiful sight. and the girl who was giving me continual attitude and whose parents wanted her out of my class, well, we are finally on somewhat good terms. it can happen! im living proof that you can be an abysmal teacher and still have success. i have to plan an entire unit for my 8th graders right now...and of course i still have to plan lessons for my 7th and 8th graders, all before monday. i need 50 hours in the day.
in non school news, i went on a SWAMP tour yesterday! i saw an alligator in its natural habitiat!! and, i vowed to myself i would NEVER swim in louisiana water (unless it was a very well maintained swimming pool). the water is literally TEEMING with wildlife. i cant believe people actually go into it! the water is dark and it looks like bad black coffee. it was fun and relaxing to be in nature. after our leisurely swamp tour at McGee's landing, we went to Breaux bridge, LA for some ice cream and to sneak a peek at a Bayou (yeah, just very dirty water. looked like chocolate milk). it was an amazing louisiana kind of day. i got to hear unbelievable accents, see the louisiana that is portrayed in movies, and eat some amazing birthday cake ice cream with some pretty great people. well, work is calling...and i must answer. so basically- im surviving much better now. thanks for worrying.

putting out the positive vibes.

on second thought, i probably shouldn't write this post until I am in a better frame of mind. nonetheless, i will persevere and simply state: teaching is hard. and let's be honest, i have an amazing job. (minus the cart. which, has in fact, become somewhat of a curiosity among the staff because of my rules, consequences, and big goal posters written on it. i relish when someone stares at it daily). the administration is fantastic and has everything together. I have veteran teachers who let me take their handouts and copy them. and pester them with questions continually. i have a supportive second year corp member who shares an office with me. i have students that ask me if i'm a vegetarian because I dress "all sunshiny". i have students who ask me, with all seriousness, "ms. sullivan, do you ever take a smile off your face?" and, i have access to a box of paper and a copier that works (for the most part). what should be hard, right?

i am consistently faced with my own failure and my responsibility to these kids. I can't believe that incompetent, unknowledgable me is in charge of teaching these amazing (yet not necessarily on academic track) students to read and write so they can get places in life. Me. it is on MY shoulders. yeah, sure i can read. and i love it. but does that mean i can teach it? does that mean that my lessons every day reflect my love and passion for reading/writing? the answer is a resounding No. in between my days of struggling to keep students on task and quelling no-bathroom privilege mutinies, i am silently praying every day that it will go better tomorrow. my prayers, at this point, are not enough. honestly, i havent been relying on Heavenly Father like i most certainly need to. i feel as though i dont have the time. i dont have the brain power. i am slowly turning to mississippi delta institute brain mush alexandra. my creativity, my passion, my excitement are drained out of my body. in my head i just keep saying the words- friday, friday, friday over and over, like my own personal mantra. and i sit here ashamed. ashamed of myself that i am so excited for a day that doesnt end with me having to scrounge around the bottom of my mind barrel for something to occupy the minds of my 7th graders. im not sure this teaching thing is for me. the tears are starting to slowly come right now. its because i want to just love my kids. i want to talk to them sweetly and i want to smile at them and i want them to feel good about themselves for simply being alive and a kid, and a middle school kid at that. i want to stand at the front of my room, applaud them, and say "i know how hard middle school is!! i was awkward and struggled with friends too!" and i so badly want to yell and scream at them "i love you. i do! id do anything for you!" and yet, here i am at 8:07 pm, dreading facing them again. i'll say it again- im not proud of how im feeeling. im sick and tired of not giving these kids what they need. im hoping that a good night sleep tonight, and a recharging friday of planning and such will put me in higher hopes and will help me to see that in fact, i am competent. that in fact, caring does matter and the kids see it. and that maybe, just maybe, i can help these kids succeed.

i know these ramblings seem desperate and disjointed. well, they are. thats probably a good summation of what im feeling. and what ive been feeling. i have a wise friend who when i minorly complained to her one day said, "well this is your passion isnt it?" it is. i just have to dig down deep and find it again. i want my kids to be ready for the real world. and by george if that means no bathroom breaks and consequences for breaking rules, well then, so be it. for any readers out there....i need the positive vibes. send them my way. please.

must remember- Go forth to serve.

being an armadillo and other stories.

im sitting on my porch with spencer right now (spencer is our resident gecko). my computer screen is fogging over, and the top of my keyboard is slippery with the humidity. two of my friends just left for their busy days in the real world, and in true shauna sullivan fashion i called, "make good choices!" as they walked away. am i ready to be a mom or what? i've realized that im slowly becoming more and more domestic. interior decorating, baking cupcakes for my roommates and squatters, itching to sew something up...its all hitting me like a ton of bricks. im going to investigate the sewing machine i found in my closet today and see if it is in working order. i have some baby blankets that i need to make before too long here, and plus, its also just super cool to find a sewing machine in ones closet. definitely worth a closer look.
despite my random warblings, actual things are happening in my life. i will be a teacher in exactly one week from now. the weight of the responsibility i feel towards these kids is painful and exciting. the painful because i want everything i'm doing to be so stellar, in order for them to get where they need to go. i want to be for them what my best teachers were for me. they were so formative in my life. and actually, i can point to one teacher specifically who literally changed the course of my life. it was my junior year of high school and of course, my life was status quo. and then, i was introduced to the world by this man who told stories about traveling, and new cultures, and the exotic places he had seen. i was mesmerized. but it was more than that. i finallt knew that i wanted to see the world, and do my part to learn from them, and in turn give them opportunities that i had that they didnt. i never knew that the world existed beyond my own backyard, and i refuse to let my own students have to wait as long as i did. i wonder if i have the capability to actually change someone's life like this teacher did for me. how do you know this? it probably should be some intrinsic confidence, but i cant seem to muster it this week. there are so many things rushing through my head that i cant make sense of any of them and they are going so dang fast that i cant grasp any of them solidly. (i just tried to write a metaphor that was appropriate for this situation. i promptly deleted it because it got to be about a paragraph long and it was about a fisherman.) im working relentlessly to feel on top of my game...luckily i have an amazing team of fellow teachers and a supportive administration who seem to believe that i can do this. my heart literally aches thinking about letting these kids down. ugh. if only i didnt have inadequacies...but regardless of any doubts i may have, i do know one thing. i will love my students like no other teacher has before. i practically smother them with caring. everyone has to have a strength, right?

to change the tone of this particular post...lets focus on the festivities that were last weekend. "La Noche de Tejas" was a screaming success. our dear friend Josh Brown was turning 25 and of course, we wanted to a.) help him have a stellar day and b.) demonstrate our superior party throwing skills. we took his three favorite things and bada bing bada boom, we created this party. everyone dressed up (rule number one for theme parties) and in our foyer, we had our "borrowed" stop sign, a full length mirror, and a sign that read "Before you enter, STOP and evalaute yourself. are you in full costume? if not, please RE EVALUATE and rethink your entry into the party." and i think it actually worked. most everyone had some form of a costume on. our costumes were by far the best, i mean, whats more texas than armadillos? (again, i will never ask the question, why dont i have a boyfriend?) we had a beautiful night full of red velvet cake, tons of texas decorations littering the walls, plenty of dressed up friends, and a marachi rendition of happy birthday. its these moments that im living for in between the waiting for my actual real life to kick in. not sure why but the pictures arent uploading. ill try again later. but to sum up my life right now, it is busy with a twist of anvxiety, with a dash of still no life routine thrown in there. ahhh. drink it up. goes down smooth every time.

and the newest hired teacher is...

(me and gools at barnes and noble being so excited to work on long term plans and for my exciting new job!)

me!! i am now an employee of woodlawn middle school in east baton rouge parish school district and i will be teaching two 7th grade english classes and one 8th grade english class. one of my mississippi students called me today and i told her i would be teaching 7th and 8th graders. she just laughed and said "that's going to be hard ma'am" agreed, tranquasia. agreed. i will not have my own classroom (i'll be jumping between three different rooms, on a cart no less) and im excited for the challenge. thank you to everyone (especially the amazing quadrilateral) for sending out so many positive vibes that i'm sure got me the job. i am working woman!

philosophy circles.

that post title is not deceptive at all...for the last few nights my front porch has been overrun by men who discuss important things in ways that i can't even begin to frame a conversation with any sort of authority. i have loved how the boys take over our adirondacks (and two actually brought their own chairs...people are settling in at tulip st.!) and us four ladies always end up in the kitchen dancing, talking, and always snacking. our conversations are filled with the real, not the hypothetical. they are full of emotion and passion and sadness and happiness and laughter. and although we don't happen to talk about the cyclical nature of the universe (in terms of the laws of thermodynamics) i would say that we have some pretty intelligent and moving conversation. im not sure who i'm convincing here...but as far as i'm concerned, both the men and women of tulip st. are equally impressive.

life has formed somewhat of a routine these days. it is incredibly fun to wake up to a houseful of my friends. i eat a bowl of cereal, whenever i decide to crawl out of my yellow and gray bedroom hours after my alarm has actually gone off, i drink a cold can of DC, i say my hellos, and i sit on the wood floor of my room and try to make myself look decent. i've decided its actually not even worth it to shower. 30 seconds after you get ready you are already a sweaty, damp mess. my hygiene has gone out of the window. like seriously. and, our shower drain has decided to not stay open while the shower is running, so our feet get to bathe whilst we are showering. so many people germs all over my feet. hopefully no one gets what lives in my red vans or plaid sperrys...tulip st. has become the place to be. ive gotten texts from people asking what the party is going on at our house, everyone just walks in and out, and we are becoming quite the hostesses. i absolutely love playing hostess. two days ago, we inaugurated leslie (my lime green kitchenaid) and made banana bread. without measuring cups. or a for sure recipe. how amazing are we? lets just say the bread was a hit, and there are more baked goods to come.

we kicked off "round zero" this week, which is all day training. i wrote my classroom vision and big goal. my 7th graders are going to be young professionals and know that education equals opportunity. i am so excited to get into the classroom and change the trajectory of lives. it sounds conceited, but im going to be as bold as to say that i will do everything in my power to give my students more. more academic success, more educational opportunities, and more well rounded-ness. basically, im (hopefully) going to do for them what i would have loved someone doing for me in the 7th grade. and ps, no one really believes that i didnt have friends in 7th grade. yep, pretty sure i read books at lunch in the library alone (and that lunch consisted of a hotdog, super pretzel, and dr.pepper) and then once i got to temecula prep, was never allowed to be written into the other girls story! i have come a long way....

i have so very much swirling around in my head at the moment. too much to decipher actually. i am trying to decide what my passion is, besides the very generalized "helping people" schtick. i have almost forgotten my absolute love for women's issues...i need to find a way to weave together everything that i want for my life. more on this to surface. im taking suggestions as to what people think my passion should or could be.

necessary shout outs: 1.) momma gools for being so incredibly amazing, especially when we all needed a mom a little bit:)
2.) brittany johnson: you can do it. you are incredible. dont forget that you are the kourtney to my khloe.
3.) my familia: thank you thank you thank you. love to all.
4.) the quadrilateral: you are my backbone. and you make it okay for me to fly my freak flag as high as it will go.

tonight, im riding high on our free couch we just got from a TFA alum and the fact that i have learned what it means to really love people. in this next week, i want to demonstrate that love, and make it visible to everyone around me. my idealism is slowly creeping its way back into my life and i love it. welcome back.

sigh of relief.

(this photo is me and my roommate/soulmate emma lurking at community coffee, stealing their internet after a long day of "round zero" training. i almost miss institute)

finally...a job interview!! it is for a 7th grade ELA (english language arts) position at Woodlawn Middle in East Baton Rouge Parish. wish me luck.

as of late, ive been living the life. absolutely lazy. kind of messy. my house looks like a homeless shelter, and i have to go to random coffee shops for internet. one of these days i'll be able to do a legitimate blog post, but until then, know that i am incredibly happy and excited to sleep in my adorable room later tonight (or dream of sleeping...its going to be a wild night i think...)

the promised pictures and more exciting information.

these past few days have been a joyous blur! i absolutely love living in rainy, hurricane season baton rouge and living with some amazing people. the only person that is hurting is my bank account...thank goodness for credit cards, right? i'll post more once i get internet at my home (currently at barnes and noble) but here are some pictures.

louisiana living.

we christened the new place last night, with our "freedom" party (don't worry blogosphere...pictures are sure to follow). let me preface everything i write with the statement- i am incredibly blessed. my life has become this fairy tale (fairy tale to me, i think) version of imperfect perfection. if you would have told me one year ago that i would be living in a gargantuan early 20th century home in the most beautiful area of the capital city of louisiana, i would have looked at you like you were a total crazy. if you would have continued speaking and told me that i would have spent my last 5 weeks of summer teaching a bunch of incredibly bright and vivacious 6th graders and enjoying it more than practically anything i've done in the last 3 years of college, i would have mocked you in disdain. then, if you just had to keep running your mouth and said something to the effect that i would probably never find fantastic friends to make my life lovely and exciting, i actually might have agreed with you. fate has twisted all of these situations into this amalgamation of the things ive needed most to grow as an individual. im acutely aware, more now than ever, of my relative imperfection and the long road that i have to travel in order to even be close to the person that i want to eventually become, but for the first time in a long time, i feel like im actually on the road that leads to that happy conclusion.
that sounded a bit cryptic. let me put my life in terms that are a little easier to understand. my last day of summer school was this friday. my students were unusually rowdy, as per the last day of school is. at least they got to walk into my classroom where Justin Bieber was blasting (i tried to get Chris breezy going, but youtube decided to stop working. my students LOVE the chris brown). we chatted about the big goal (more on that later) and we talked about where they wanted to be in 10 years. the lovely, ambitious things that came out of their mouths made me so happy. when i asked one special student where she wanted to be, she said she wanted to be a lawyer because they help people, and that she wanted to go to hale college. We all stopped and kindle asked her where that college was. after some prompting and a little correcting, this student realized she actually wanted to go to Yale. most of my students have these big dreams, and i must admit, i thought that they wouldnt have them. i was biased, and at least i can see that now. but practically every single one of them wanted to something big with their lives, and it always involved college. and not just any college, but ivy league colleges. because of the luck of my draw with the roster, i feel like i got the privilege of teaching the smartest kids going into 6th grade. every single one of them is so capable. all of my students made at least 10% improvement on their math scores (most made more like 20% increases, one student made an improvement of 34%!!) i just cant believe that there is a system in place that makes my genius students feel as though they aren't smart, or can't do grade level work. it just doesnt make any sense is all. but back to the last day. we listened to bieber, i gave a stirring college presentation (heavy on the sarcasm there) and then amy (my fellow teacher) gave hers. we then fielded questions about college, my favorite questions being "were you scared to go to college?" its funny how we become these fearless leaders in our classroom, we aren't people anymore, we are teachers. it was astute of our student to pick up on the fact that yes, we do in fact get scared (hello, i was scared almost every day walking into the classroom. the trick is not letting them smell the fear). after our college presentation, i let the students have mini donuts and juice that i had picked up from my favorite walmart on the way. (i had decided to drive to school again, simply to listen to taylor swift at full blast with my windows rolled down and the sun rising. and for the promise of a pre-school diet coke). then, we had our awards ceremony. we had printed little certificates for all of our students and we gave a little spiel about each student and then they heard their name and got to come shake our hands. not our best planned moment, but i think the kids liked it. i tried to describe each student accurately, but its hard to know how to say so many things you feel and think about students. one of our students LOVES to dance like Michael Jackson. so, i made him moonwalk up to get his certificate. one of the perks of teaching. then, we cleaned our room and walked to lunch in our straight and quiet line one last time. however, we were about 15 minutes early to lunch for some reason, so i had to round them up and corral them in the cafeteria. not an easy task. but i did get to sit at each table and talk to everyone a little bit. that was my favorite part of lunch duty, getting to talk to my real students, not just the ones that show up in our room everyday. they are such dorks. i always felt right at home.
the afternoon was supposed to be a "carnival" for all of the students with good behavior. it was more of a huge punishment for everyone involved because it was three outdoor games and it was hotter than the freakin surface of the sun. i kid you not. i thought i was going to spontaneously combust. my students commented on how red i looked. awesome. i got to run the "trashketball" game. basically, students ran to a point in the grass, crumpled a piece of paper, then tried to shoot it into a trashcan. hilarious. especially because the boys would get all into it and actually use basketball technique and talk a big game. they LOVE it. i have some funny anecdotes, ask me if you want to hear them. after that, it was the end of the day. i hugged my students and sent them on their way. and that was it. weird how it happens like that. they just walked down the hall like it wasnt the last time they would ever see me. i miss them. i hope with my whole heart that their next teacher helps them to realize their potential. i got my first phone call from a student yesterday. it was tranquasia. and that girl has some attitude. but i broke through. and it made me SO happy.

yesterday, we made the drive to BATON ROUGE. i am now, officially, a resident of this wonderfully humid place. i think that it may quite honestly be the most humid, disgusting weather place in the entire world. someone phrased it wonderfully yesterday, "the amazon has nothing on baton rouge". agreed. we to our house, and fell in love all over again. it is SO cute. and palacial. we got all our stuff moved in and then went to get our stuff out of storage. from storage, we went to sams club, where i now have a membership. so exciting. im really putting down roots! we got the essentials (toliet paper, paper towels, bread) and then drove back to our home in a torrential downpour. we ate subway sanwiches on our air mattresses, and our first houseguests came in. we have mr. huff, will, and joe living with us for the next few weeks. they are absolutely wonderful people, and already showed their appreciation for our hospitality by buying us some hugs (those nasty fruit juices we loved in elementary school) cheez its, and bagels for tomorrow morning. love those boys. i mean, men. after more errands (like buying our first piece of furniture- a table for a certain game played yesterday) we got ready in our freedom apparel (i was the only one who wore the visor) and had our first party!! not too many people came, but enough SLAers came to make it a good time. we danced, i drank way too much diet coke, and then, i went to bed around 2am. i woke up to a chorus of snores, and about 7 extra people sleeping in all random corners of my house. it was one of those moments that made me love my life too much.

then, got dolled up and went to church. it was small, but nice. the institute building is right on campus (and i LOVE campus) i walked in, said hello to the first people i met, and grabbed myself a seat. i didnt even fall asleep during sacrament meeting. and i really needed the sacrament and the meeting today. i kept staring at the picture of Christ on the wall and desiring to come to know Him better and to serve Him better. i came away with a new resolve to do better, but i guess i do that almost every sunday. one of the speakers talked about loving people like Jesus loves them. for some reason, i found this particularly profound today. i want to love people with open arms and let them know that i would do anything for them. i think that if people could describe me as someone who would do that for them, then life has been a success. the speaker read a quote that reminded me of how life without love is nothing. there is no point in anything we do if love is not the prompting factor. how absolutely profound. when it all boils down, it wont matter what i did, who i did it with, or the prestige attached to it if i didnt actually love those around me and develop those personal relationships. gah. my weakness needs to become my strength in this one...

so im still not hired. im going to start praying about it, maybe you should too. while sometimes out here i feel like an island unto myself, im incredibly happy for the most part. its all about enjoying the journey after all, right? (pictures will be up later tonight. be sure to check back...there are some gems)

i walked in memphis. and loved it.

its the end of another crazy week. I can't believe that my time at institute is coming to a close. it feels like we just got here, but it also feels like we've been here for 10 years. i have mixed feelings about the delta. i think there is a magnificent sort of beauty here. (not too many other agree, honestly) the farmland, the amazing sunrises and sunsets, and the clouds- omg it is like they are right on top of you! although i may sound like a total hippie for saying this, i could lie in the grass (with a ton of bug spray) and just look at the sky here for hours. this last week has had many highs and many lows. more lows than highs i would say, which is the unfortunate truth about having a bad attitude and being exhausted all the time. i love my students even more now. im coming to know them a little better and i just want to do right by them. i broke down in one of our training meetings the other day (yes i cried in front of about 30 other people. classy.) because i was so tired and i was incredibly frustrated that i wasn't doing more for my kids. and then, i realized, that i will always feel like this as long as i am a teacher, as long as i am a human being, i will never have done enough. thank goodness i do not have to be perfect. its hard to remember that simple but true fact in the grind of daily life.
i taught my kiddos a lot of things this week, most successfully i taught them how to identify whether a shape was congruent, similar, or neither. i made a powerpoint presentation (which they LOVED. they were so excited to have me turn off the lights. i was like, if you will listen better, ill turn the lights off every day!!) and we learned a little. i got observed this week, which was so nice and so necessary because i felt like a failure all week long. and there are a lot of positives in my classroom. i wrote my students little notes on colored construction paper just saying things like "keep up the good work" and "i know if you work hard you can achieve anything you want!" and they were so weirded out. i heard a lot of things like, "Ms. Sullivan, what are these for?" i wanted to scream to them that i care, and that i want them to excel. i internalize these things too much, especially because my job first and foremost is to actually teach. teaching and educating these children is my job and is what my focus should be. i think i get distracted by the little things as opposed to the big picture of real learning. its a problem im trying my hardest to fix. i start teaching reading next week and im kind of sweating bullets about it. i have the kids for 1:45 minutes for 4 days straight. that is a whole lotta time to fill! i am excited though- my lesson on monday involves me blaring the song "World's Greatest" by R. Kelly. then tuesday starts off with a bang, and "Man in the Mirror". i heard one of my students singing MJ the other day and i was like Boom. done. you sing it, we'll discuss it. i have a ton of prep work ahead of me tomorrow. but its all worth it. i do so much better at teaching when i practice beforehand. before i get off the school subject, yesterday one of my students said to me, "Ms. Sullivan, i'm not trying to be mean or nothing, but sometimes your breath smells like salad." how ironic is that considering a piece of salad hasn't crossed my lips ever. how embarrassing.
this friday was much needed. i feel bad looking forward to the weekends so much, but this was a tough week. it took a toll on me for some reason, and i think its just everything hits you at once and you just wish you could have 2 hours to do whatever it is you want. i cant wait to have my life back.
yesterday was a good night. i finally got chicken parm for dinner (over priced and just ok) and i felt sassy so i got a shirley temple to go with it. i felt like such a goober ordering that as we sat at the bar. the bartender didnt make me pay for it though, so yay free little girl drink!! we then went to the warehouse which is a charming restaurant/bar and practically all of TFA was there. im not gonna lie, it felt good to be social and to actually know people to be social with. i mean, i actually talked with multiple people who werent the quadrilateral (although we were together the entire night. last nights bit o fun was making up conversations for random groups of people in the bar). i knew people and it felt fantastic, especially because these particular people are awesome. im so impressed by everyone i meet here. hopefully they feel the same way about me. then after that, we dropped mady back at the dorm and me and emma and gools went out on the town, feeling sassy. we went to another local hotspot called backdraft that was absolutely the cutest thing ive ever seen. i do not know how cleveland manages to have these adorable restaurants. we lasted around 45 minutes and then headed back to the dorms exhausted. today, we decided to go to memphis! it is only about 2 hours away. i loved it. downtown memphis is beautiful, with a lot of old architecture that is incredibly well maintained, this cool old hotel/shopping center called the peabody, and of course, the crazy beale street. beale street is just a street full of bars and blues joints and i absolutely loved it. gibson guitars has their factory right there too. we walked around in the heat (it was killer) and tried to find something to do. there isnt much during the day when you are on foot. we walked into the peabody and there was a fountain with ducks in it. so of course, i had to go take pics with the ducks. and yes, a duck actually bit me. he thought i was too close and he didnt like it. how humiliating to be bitten by a duck. after wandering a little bit more (and taking in a diet coke break at the local subway) we went to Rendezvous for ribs. its a memphis establishment, apparently. its in this little back alley and its down these stairs. its really quaint and very southern. i got the ribs and i wasnt as impressed as i could have been, but it was certainly good. i think my frustration stemmed from the fact that i got a half order of ribs and it was not enough food. haha. but seriously. i eat like a man these days. any weight i may have lost, is now back and kickin. it felt really good to have some real memphis bbq. i forgot to mention how amazing the view coming into memphis is. you drive through icky town (looks like all of mississippi if that is any indication- except with bars on windows) and then, the road narrows, you begin to see old brick buildings and cute light posts, and then BAM the mississippi river is right in front of you with pretty green banks and this amazing bridge. it was at that moment i fell in absolute love with memphis. i have a feeling the south might have a pretty tight grip on me after 2 years of living here...my parents should start worrying! memphis got two thumbs up, especially because the culture seems so interesting and rich. on our drive home (we drove in stevie, emmas car) we planned our birthday party themes and our halloween costumes. i love my future roommates so much. they make it okay for me to be me. and i am a little kooky if im going to be honest with myself. im quiet most of the time, but if freaky is what you want, freaky is what you'll get. im so looking forward to the end of this week, and my journey back into real life and lousiana. hopefully ill get a job sometime soon. oh, and i told the person who is in charge of getting me hired (looking bleak. only 38 people hired out of 101) that i was very interested in teaching special ed. we will see what happens on that front.
i got some amazing news. my dear friend who has been battling cancer just let me know that a current scan revealed that she is cancer free. i am so grateful to my heavenly father for this miracle, and to her for being a real friend to me and my family. i am beyond happy for her and her family. love you, j.
wish me luck for this next crazy week. and if anyone know how to teach 6th graders how to understand the theme of a story, id be much obliged...

ive been meaning to upload these little gems for a few days now. yay for the 4th of july and red visors.

happy birthday america.

i dont know why, but the 4th of july brings out a lot of very conflicting emotions in me. its weird but true. i was gazing up at the fireworks, out in the field at statesmen's park, and i was feeling. i wish i could adequately explain it. it was one of those moments when you are happy, but sad; excited but nervous. opposites, opposites. but in the non-emo side of things, we had another amazing day. (not so great as the house finding day, but still up there). the city of cleveland through us a 4th of July bash, complete with barbecued pork (delicious), sodas, waters, ice cream, and a fireworks extravaganza. this city and this community have been so welcoming to us, i honestly dont know if we deserve the accolades and praise. it does feel real good though. we may have gone to wal mart beforehand and gotten red visors (and shirts for our freedom party that we are hosting in our new house in two weeks. more details on that extravaganza to come later. i dont have the strength to do so right at this moment). i felt so lucky to be in cleveland mississippi and live in our free country. happy 4th of july, a day late, but happy 4th nonetheless.
today was a long day. It was a necessary reprieve from the travail of teaching (im hating that i suck so bad at something every day, and that my kids suffer because of it. terrible feeling) but when i get time to think...man i think WAY too much. i did learn something incredibly important today though- exercise! it works wonders! i did some sprints, some abs, and i got to see the loveliest little neighborhood that is next to the campus. being outside and moving my body and actually seeing landscape and reality...does wonders for the psyche. tonight- im going to focus on not being so inside of myself. its so annoying to me and im sure its annoying to other people. and maybe ill hit up sonic yet again, its definitely one of those days.

the best day of my life yesterday.

best day of my life.

thursday! thursday! thursday!

first and foremost, i WILL start posting more interesting pictures here. well, once i start taking them at least.

Its been a long Thursday already, and im pretty sure I have at least 7 more hours until its over. Can I just publicly state how much I hate long division? I hate the fact that I had to teach it to kids who don’t even know their times tables, I hate the fact that im really dumb when it comes to make and I cant think of any good way to break it down for them, and I hate the fact that my kiddos are not mastering their objectives (or even getting to them for that matter). Long division, you totally ruined my day. If you couldn’t guess, I “taught” a lesson in two divisor long division. Teaching should not really be the term applied to what I did today. I tried to engage my students (and most of them were engaged, or just too frustrated to even act out) but the objective was just too hard. There are the 4 or 5 people who absolutely, 100% mastered the concept (they are my little superstars! And luckily I get to meet with them during academic intervention hour. Tomorrow, I am going to blow their minds with 4 digit quotients. They better be ready to dominate tomorrow!) It is incredible to see the wide range of abilities within my own classroom. I have a student who reads at a second grade level, but is doing math practically at grade level. I have students that don’t know their multiplication facts and I have students that could recite them to me in their sleep. Its incredible, especially because it seems that the current system has failed even the gifted children. I am so invested in my kids, my only complaint is about me, and how much more I need to be doing for them. I have one student (Anqwan) who is a little treasure. He regularly gets 100% on his assessments (class averages are in the low, low 70s usually) and has amazing behavior. He is stellar. And tomorrow, since he got 10 stamps in his “passport” (our behavior tracker- goes with our global theme) he will be the first person in our class to be a star on the wall, and get a cupcake. I think his mind is going to explode with happiness and pride. And that makes me feel fantastic. But anqwan deserves it. he wants it. and from what I’ve seen, he can do it. I am struggling with figuring out how to reach the students who don’t have the natural ability that he has. As a teacher, I am slowly realizing how absolutely frustrating students lives must be because they are forced to sit in a classroom (even one as cool as ours) and struggle. They struggle and struggle, and then, if they don’t get the attention and help they need, they act out. By some amazing grace, my kids don’t really act out, act out. But I know when they are absolutely disappointed in themselves. I asked one student how her math class had gone and she looked at me and said it was a bad day. And, in retrospect, I didn’t do enough to convince her that what she was doing was a huge step in the right direction, and that I was so proud of her. My time is stretched so thin that I feel that I can’t do much at all. And that is such a helpless feeling. And it gets worse for me because I am miss unobservant/totally unobservant and I focus on what I have to do and my peripheral vision gets shut off somehow. And that is no bueno as an educator. Im going to work on it in this next week, giving each kid what they need from me. Im going to be stretched a little thinner in the next short weeks. In other news (lets be honest- its all teacher news. My life does not exist outside of this program), I got to watch the bachelorette two nights ago, and in something a little more exciting and a little more cultural, I went to a BB King concert on campus. BB King is the proclaimed “king of the blues” and this style of music originated here in the Mississippi delta. King is 84 now, but still performs incredibly powerfully. His show last night was more of a communication rather than a mere performance. He seems like an amazing person. And ill admit it, I fell in love with the blues. There is so much emotion in every note, in every chord. I could feel it last night, practically tangibly. (when I was awake. I may have dozed off a couple times.) I am officially a blues fan and would love to play blues guitar. It felt so good to hear and feel real music like that, and to see a real legend. Oh and calling all celeb watchers- morgan freeman was totally there last night, and I saw him! Who would have thought that I would see a celeb in the delta? Loves it. yesterday afternoon was a real treat, because after a joke played by our administrators (they told us that we were going to have to move school sites because of a “problem” with no details) we were allowed to leave school early for a TFA day, Totally Free Afternoon day. But the ironic part is, they totally had a scheduled carnival with scheduled activities. Totally TFA and totally hilarious. It stressed me out that someone would schedule my free day, but regardless, it was so nice to see a Mississippi afternoon for once. i ended up working after about an hour and half of time wasting (story of my life methinks) and then had a meeting regarding my teaching observation that had happened earlier in the day. I was VIDEO TAPED teaching my students the "Division Chant" that i completely made up the night before. Here it is: "The number of steps in division are 4, let's practice them so we can master math more...First, Divide (hold up arm in a slash position) then Multiply (cross arms in front of you, like an X) Subtract (arm held out horizontally in front of you lengthwise), then Bring it down (index fingers pointing down and a little booty dance. the kids eat that part UP). my class behaved like ANGELS the entire time. silent, well behaved, i didnt even have to give any consequences whatsoever (although i probably should have, lets be honest.) yesterday, i was on top of the world. unfortunately, my assessment results were less than stellar, but another person that observed me told me that i had done some really beautiful things in my classroom and that i had created an amazing culture full of urgency about learning within my room. Ah! Gasp! happiness!
tonight has been better than today, ten fold! i got off the bus then went to hey joes for hamburgers (its my second one and its delicious! i ate lettuce, tomato and ONION on my burger. delicious) and then to walmart for our behavior prizes. i just got some mechanical pencils and a bag of sour gummy worms for anqwan. at the moment, im listening to daft punk and sitting in the lobby with some pretty chill peeps. i mean life is good. its hard, im exhausted, but its GOOD. so good. and tomorrow is friday, and that means getting squirrely. and then saturday, we are going to baton rouge in order to sign a lease for this house in the garden district. we are actually racing other guys in our corp to get to it before they do...i hope we get it because it has 5 bedrooms, and we need four to live in and then one extra for our smoking jackets. and cigarette holders with pixy sticks in them. and slippers with no backs. and overstuffed armchairs. and for some weird reason, i keep getting the vision of the March family attic from little women when i picture this 5th bedroom. i hope so much that we get it. im off to the printing lab...wish me luck! tired but HAPPY. and fulfilled.

long division.

tomorrow, i am teaching long division. and as i sit here, wasting time, i realize how much life is like long division. its difficult, tricky, and you never know where to put the dang numbers. weak analogy, i know (and i call myself a teacher...), but really though. aren't all of our lives a little bit like a division problem? we are trying to divy up our time into equal parts, prioritizing and constantly moving things around, just trying to make it work. thats pretty much how my life is right now. im just trying to make things work. i think my class is too comfortable around me (they were chatty cathys today), im tired as heck, and i really want to be a better teacher. as we speak ive spent two solid hours working and have nothing tangible to show for it. and i think to myself, this must be what my students feel like when they can't figure out some difficult math problem. they are fed up and frustrated, never having figured out how things should work. me and my kids have a lot more in common than i ever even realize.
the high point of my day came when i was in a training session. it was a powerpoint presentation (TFA's preferred mode of transmitting information) and up on one slide popped a picture of three of my students standing in line. the students were tommie, trayvious, and al'nika. they were smiling, and it almost looked like their chests were puffed out with pride. people commented on how great they were walking in the hallways, and how well behaved they were, especially compared to their older counterparts. it made me SO happy that my kids would look so proud to be standing so well for OUR classroom. cute little kiddos.
so, all i want to do is crawl into my bed and watch the bachelorette. what i will do, however, is prep MAJOR for my lesson tomorrow. looks like yours truly is getting filmed and observed by no less than 4 people tomorrow. this is going to be the longest 45 minutes of my life.

i get to blog two days in a row?! gasp!

I feel so incredibly blessed to be in a classroom. My poor little kiddos on the other hand... well, they are lucky that i love them a lot, right? i got to see them work hard today, really respect me, and look up to me a little bit. on the other hand, i realized that i taught them a concept wrong last week (freakin greatest common factor. i am literally DUMB) and that they don't really know how to subtract with numbers bigger than two or three digits. this, is a bit of a problem. i feel almost powerless to remedy it. but, remedy it i will. im trying hard to stay focused, and to not drink too much diet coke. (i may have bought a 24 pack at walmart to feed the habit.) my classroom environment has become comfortable, a place where students really do want to learn. they respect me and finally know my name (ha.) i think they think im a little kooky because i have a teaching style that is a little different from most i would say. but different in a good way. for example, today i taught the steps to adding and subtracting. and yes, i made up these steps from scratch. and yes again, i do not know the right way to do it. it is laughable, but im trying my darndest. but anyways, i tried to make them sing songy, so they would stick and to get the kids into it. so, we sang "step one, add the ones- then we would yell REGROUP (fancy word for carrying) and stick our arms out over our heads. the hand motions were an impromptu add by yours truly. they ate it up. so, look for footage of the division rap that i plan on teaching in a couple of days.
i feel a lot better about everything after today. i made some parent phone calls, just to let them know that their student was doing well and was a pleasure to have in class. it felt so weird to introduce myself as "Ms. Sullivan". i relished it! but today wasn't all good. two of my smartest students got in a fist fight in the hallway where i broke it up myself. (i didnt know that i wasnt supposed to touch the kids at all, even when they are beating the crap out of each other). they most likely won't be allowed back into school. and it is heartbreaking that i may not get to see them again.
im attaching some pictures in this post...morgan freeman's bar where we had happy hour last friday (dont judge my appearance, i was going off of like 8 hours sleep for the whole week at that point) and some pictures of the church building and the view from the church. i have to start taking more to remember this magical mississippi experience. i have to get a shot of the sunrise tomorrow. amazing.

the weekend.

every week here is like an eternity. not in a bad way (well actually, it is more like a bad way than a good way). im exhausted all the time and im still exhausted right now, after my 9 hour sleep last night. can i just tell you how i live for fridays? yesterday was the longest day of my life- woke up early, went to school, had a crappy day with the children (they just weren't letting me teach. i love them, but i dont feel like im doing enough for them), then in an unexpected burst of happiness, we were bussed from our school (Stampley/Clarksdale) to Morgan Freeman's bar in Clarksdale, Mississippi where we had a our school happy hour. yes, we had a happy hour courtesy of Teach for America. it is so bizarre that this drinking culture is so, so...normal. but the bar itself was so cool, and every inch of it was written on in sharpie. i have to go leave my mark there next week, during the next happy hour.

so let me tell you the frustrating part of the work that i am doing here. i want SO much for these kids. heck, i love them already. they each are so sweet and so smart. there are some that are ahead of grade level and i love them for loving to learn. there are kids that can barely read and write and i love them for trying. it is amazing to see little personalities every day. but heres my beef. i feel completely incapable of giving these kiddos what they need. i work so hard to make lesson plans that end up not engaging them, or helping them master objectives. i plan behavior rewards that they either don't get or don't care about. i want to help them express themselves and learn to love learning and each other, but i feel completely hopeless in that arena. every day i feel like these kids deserve an experienced teacher who will help them ACHIEVE this summer.

but let me tell you what is so rewarding about my work. i can be doing nothing but throwing down my teacher stare on the way into the cafeteria, and a sweet little student will say "Ms. Sullivan, i want you to sit at my lunch table today." or two sweet little girls dealing with a bully, and sitting and nodding along when I tell them about how at the end of the day it doesn't matter what anybody says about you if at the end of the day you like yourself and have self respect. ah! my first motivational speech! or when little shalin gets so excited about factor trees that she can barely sit in her desk and BEGS, literally begs to come to the board and factor. i mean, all these perks, and im still a novice. i consider myself lucky to be in this situation.

the weekend was relaxing and invigorating. of course, im still exhausted, that goes without saying. but yesterday was so nice. after our friday which was a dinner at airport grocery (complete with my first crawfish experience....DELICIOUS and DISGUSTING all at the same time. yes, i did pull of the head of an animal and then peel off its shell and then clean out this brown goop to get to literally a smidgen of white meat. but it was very good white meat.) where our waiter talked to us once in the entire three hours we were there. it was the usual crew (mady, emma, gools) and it was so nice to sit and talk and eat and relax. then, friday night, i got the party started with an amp energy drink and driving and singing to trashy pop music. its what we do best. we headed back to the dorms (like all cool kids do) where we hung out, chatted, and then decided to go out to the local music cafe/bar/hang out place. talk about adorable! it simply does not fit in cleveland mississippi. it is a redone building of some kind, super artsy inside. it actually inspired me to make things again, and to listen to really good music that means something (see above comment about trashy pop music). so when i have a moment of free time in the next century, i will most certainly add "artist" to my job description. If i had a business card (like Kevin G. style) it would read Alexandra "Al" Sullivan- teacher/artsiness enthusiast. fabulous. this little slice of heaven is called "hey joes" and it is the first hang out place ive actually felt comfortable in. probably because mgmt and death cab were playing over the stereo. mmmm. i miss music. it really helps me to feel more, which me the emotionless robot, needs every once in a while. we hung out there for a bit (it closed early...like 12:30) and all us SLAers went back to the dorm and hung out in the lobby. after a somewhat early bedtime (like 1:30! praises!!) and a late wakeup (11:00 am!! praises!!) we went to the cafeteria, got some grub, and then headed back to hey joes to watch the us vs. ghana world cup game. we were there for all two hours and it was packed and heated and amazing. i am so into the world cup. and soccer players if im going to be honest with you. talk about beautiful. we sat with other SLAers and a trillion other TFAers. after this, i attempted to do some work (impossible. my brain just doesn't work anymore.) and then we went back to hey joes for dinner because it had looked so delicious earlier. i had a hamburger (gasp) but it was DELICIOUS. i have not been so satisfied gastronomically since ive been in mississippi. it felt so good to have that lead weight in my belly. i think ive been dropping lbs for some reason because i definetly eat a lot of crap here. but it probably has something to do with the 21 hour days...maybe. saturday night was chill- working, a sonic run (hot fudge sundae...yes.), hanging out in the lobby (throwing a ball around in the weirdest way we could think of. people think me and my friends are freaks). such good times. i have been lucky enough to find friends that encourage me to embrace all of the strange parts of me and make them incredibly open. for example, we are going to have a book club, scrapbooking mondays, fencing tuesdays, (wednesdays are a break), art thursdays, etc. etc. we are looking into getting a 5 bedroom house in the garden district and we are considering having that extra bedroom be our tea party room. and im not kidding. we have so many outrageous ideas that it makes me (and everyone else) excited to walk into our future home.

sunday has been good to me thus far. i woke up at 7 for church, drove the hour with my fellow corps member daniel (who is just the sweetest), and talked about dating, etc. sunday school (what i heard of it...i may have been dozing) was really good. i love hearing about david and goliath, and how david was prepared for his big trial with other trials that shaped him. i feel like i am in the refiners fire right now, and hopefully i am actually recommitted to being better than i was last week. i need to care more about these kiddos, about the people around me, and make more time for service. this pseudo life that i live now needs some tweaking and some priorities built in. as for now, i have hours of work ahead of me here in the lobby of new mens dorms, but i am happy. diet coke, ratatat, and good people milling about me. fantastic.

officially a teacher.

yes, i am officially a teacher! I walked into room 201 at Clarksdale High School in Clarksdale, Mississippi on day one and felt a.) overwhelmed and b.) completely unprepared. By the end of that day (which was only Monday, just a few days ago) i was completely demoralized and seriously doubting my abilities as an educator and as a human being. it was that bad. i co-teach with two other people (i got lucky with my group. they are fantastic, and in fact, one rapped some biggie to me all the way back to our dorm after a literacy session) and by the time my lead teaching time rolled around, the room was sweltering. the air conditioning had completely quit on us. i had to try and corral them after lunch (an impossible feat. still trying to remedy this problem) and get them to take a math test for 2 hours in what i affectionately called "the swamp" in room 201. i was dripping wet with sweat- literally- and my students were antsy, loud, and let's be honest, bored out of their minds. we had 36 10-12 year olds in a room together, and we thought it would be a good idea to have them sit in table groups. NEVER, EVER under any circumstances do that to yourself on the first day of school. they were touching each other and talking constantly. there was a highlight during that first day though- getting to introduce our class to the class theme of "A world of possibilities". Our classroom has a global theme, complete with "passports" that they get stamped for good behavior. (i wonder who thought of this theme...) but the pain and heartache of that first day has subsided, and i can barely remember how completely terrible the first day went.
i am in love with my class now. LOVE. not infatuation, but LOVE. i find so much joy in going into my classroom everyday and hearing "Ms. Sullivan, Ms. Sullivan" (ok well honestly, it gets old fast, but i do love having a teacher name). but these kids are so full of joy, optimism, and life. they are hilarious, and smart, so so smart. i just wish that i could do better by them and come into the classroom being a veteran teacher. unfortunately, im very much the novice. i want the best for these little whippersnappers, and im incredibly sad that i had to say goodbye to around 10 of them. we split the 6th grade into 3 classes instead of 2, just to make things more manageable for us. but, our kids that changed classrooms all voiced the opinion that they wanted to come back to our room. OUR room. cute little mario even went as far to say "i promise i wont misbehave if i can come back into your classroom." we are creating this culture in our classroom that is so exciting to be a part of. there is a huge discrepancy in level (we have a 6th grader reading on 2nd grade level for example) and it is hard to differentiate for the higher level students. im trying hard to reach all students, but it is harder than you think!!
my actual room is quite large, and there is a huge table of random junk in the back, as well as all of our excess desks. we tried to "decorate" but there is only so much you can do with chart paper, masking tape, and crayola markers. we set up the desks in the final way today (we decided on pairs of two, three pairs per row, 24 students total). we have a pretty strict agenda, and we are doing well with following through with consequences. im not quite sure what kind of details are interesting to the lay reader...i suppose i could tell you how teaching feels. it is the craziest feeling. you have to constantly trick students into listening to you. its all about engagement and being rigid. ive discovered that im kind of loosey goosey in my attitude with students, more like a lower elementary teacher. its what i like, exaggeration and lots of kinesthetic movement. walking into the room for the first time and having to command authority is one of the most daunting and unnerving feelings ive ever felt. this experience has literally been the hardest thing ive ever done in my entire life. college was piece of cake compared to planning an interactive 6th grade math lesson. heck, college was a piece of cake compared to taking a classroom bathroom break. (bathroom procedures=disaster. currently working on the logistics). this job has the ability to shake you to your core, and then can simultaneously make you feel so alive. i feel more and more like a 6th grader and it is invigorating. i bet my students think i am an old fogey, and i think its funny. i got the chance to sit with a small group of students today and play a get to know you game. we had to answer certain questions about ourselves, nothing too major, but stuff like what you want to be when you grow up. i got a couple doctors, a lawyer, policewoman, streetfighter, and a lot of pro athletes. i told them i always wanted to be a teacher, and one of my darling students said something to the effect of wanting to beat kids down (i cant understand some of my students ever. they insist on mumbling quietly with their hands covering their mouths. its frustrating). i asked them what they were good at, and i got a variety of answers. i tried to tell them how good at math they were, some literally laughed but others were really proud of themselves. it feels good to be able to do that for a student. the last question i asked was "where do you want to go to college?" and i was so stoked when the first answer i heard was Harvard. a man after my own heart. i feel like i must point out that at some point during this discussion, one my very quick students, made a Madea reference. i almost peed my pants laughing, well holding the laugh because i cant be too informal! this is going to be a rewarding and informative experience, and luckily tonight, i get to get more than my standard 3 hours of sleep. (yep, thats right. 3 hours and literally working all other 21 hours of the day. miserable. my eyes are bright red bloodshot right now). here is a list of my students:
Joshua, Martell, Al'Nika, Cierra, Charisma, Tommie, Ja'Kaijia, Tranquisha, Trayvious, Jatavious, Jamarcus, Antwon, Tatyannah, China, James, Gary, Namonte, Karl, Kenesha, Kourtney, Khadidria, and probably a couple others im brain farting on. i love them. these brilliant little kiddos are what i get to love for the next three weeks. its going to be hard to let these ones go. Please enjoy the pictures of my very first classroom. kiddo pictures will be here tomorrow:)

friday.

My goodness Fridays are the best days EVER. Ive never been more excited for a Friday any time in my life. We decided that we were going to get squirrelly tonight (and by we, I mean my amazing future roommates Mady, Emma, and Goolia) and let loose after a LONG week of long hours and some incredibly hard work. The work day came and went (we learned about diversity, managing our classrooms, etc.) and I actually got to start setting up my classroom for Monday. I got my official lanyard that reads “Ms. Sullivan”. Yes, I have a teacher name, a teacher voice, and now a teacher badge. I can not wait to get into my classroom. I want it to be the best classroom these kids have ever seen. The only problem is that I do not really have the time or funds to create the actual classroom environment that id like to. It is hard for me to work with two other people and not have full control. I never realized how much I like to do things independently until now.
But back to last night. We went to a Mexican restaurant which turned out to be pretty good, but was no Don Jose. I love hanging out with my friends because they like same weird crap that I do- i.e. we talked about the themes for each of the birthday parties that we are going to throw for each other. The first theme is going to be “centaurs and kings” and yes, it is a dress up party. When we were leaving the restaurant, the clouds outside were huge cumulonimbus and streaked with red and purple from the sunset. Sunset and sunrise in the delta is pretty fantastic. I feel luckier and luckier to be here every day. Especially today because I am still laying in bed at 10:27am listening to Dashboard confessional and writing. We drove back to the campus, windows rolled down, laughing, and happy. I don’t know when I have been this happy. Things are by no means perfect here, but it is a different kind of good. And I never realized (until I got here and the microscope is definitely on you) that my personality is so distinct. The disconnect between how I see myself and how other people view me is HUGE. Dude, im harder on myself than anyone ever could be. People see me as confident. Me, confident? I love that. It makes me so happy that that is what I project to people, and it makes me feel even better about getting in the classroom and being able to be this confidence builder for my little savvy 6th graders.
Can I tell you how excited about our “A world of possibilities” theme I am? Timeout is Antarctica, each table group is a country that is in the world cup, and we are going to give mini lessons on counties around the world. My kiddies will a passport for behavior, and when they have good behavior, they will get a stamp in their passport. Maybe a field trip could be involved? An optional movie night to learn about other cultures? This is exactly how I want to set up my own classroom (if I ever even get one) in the fall. The interviewing/hiring process isn’t going so well for yours truly. But luckily I don’t have time to worry about it (because im so freaking busy) and I have an amazing team of people working hard on my behalf. Mainly im just glad that I cant think about it because my head is in 50 other places at the same time.
Again, back to last night. After our Mexican experience, we went to the campus catfish fry. People love their catfish here. I cant jump on board because a. fish is SICK (I had catfish last week, I almost barfed) and b. have you seen a freakin catfish? Especially the ones in canyon lake? I vomit in my mouth just thinking about it. they had a trailer full of free beer (TFAers love their alchohol) and a cool bluesy band. We stayed and danced wild and chatted with other corps members until the mosquitos became too unbearable. Then back to the dorms, then out to the gas station for some drinks (my weapon of choice tonight, amp. Ive learned that you HAVE to have something in your hand to drink or its very awkward in a group of people) while listening to destiny’s child, the writings on the wall album. Say my name is such a prolific song. Then, back to goolias room where we listened to music and talked for like an hour. Then upstairs to this adorable boy named will’s room where a black light was set up. It was supposed to be a dance party, but unfortunately no one was dancing. I tried, it was awkward. People were most certainly letting loose though. It was a long week for everyone I suppose. I chatted, mingled, and the like. It was hilarious. A dorm party and we are the teachers of the new generation. (also see the centaur and kings party. Yes, we will be teaching your children). Not exactly my scence, not going to lie. I love talking and interacting in smaller groups, not being the only person without a drink who isn’t super loosened up. Its mui frustrating. After around 2 hours of that crap, we went to emmers room and had an amazing heart to heart. It is so nice to be honest and candid. It felt so cathartic. I have a lot of things to think about. Among these many things I need to sort out, is the idea of getting boys to like me. Apparently they do, but I am so firm in my version of right and wrong that they don’t even become options for me. Fascinating!! There are some cute boys here (especially in the north Carolina corp) in my corps, but the ratio is like 6:1 in favor of girls. Feels like provo again. It makes me miss the people in my life that I love, and probably will love forever. Oh gosh, im a sentimental freak. When did I become such a blue?
All in all, it was successful night. We are going to explore the delta today. And then, start working for next week!! So much to do! Im so happy to be able to do it too.